A Darker Shade of Blue (Dance Academy Fanfic)

Christian

Christian was startled by a note being pushed under his door. Frowning, he walked over to pick it up and instantly recognised Tara's handwriting.

'Beach. You and me. If you want?'

Christian opened the door to see Tara standing there, the light from the hallway seeming to highlight her. She made the world around her hazy, and her eyes were sharp and clear. And beautiful, Christian thought.
'Well?' She asked. He couldn't help but watch how she nervously fiddled with the hem of her dress.
Christian put his hand on his chin, as if he was considering.
'The beach, yes.' He replied. 'With you, no'
Tara's mouth opened in false outrage as she softly punched him in the arm.
'Hey!' She protested, smiling. 'Im not that bad'
'Yes you are' Christian smirked, enjoying there light conversation.
'Ill see you outside' she said, and as Christian closed his door the smile on his lips didn't fade.

Tara and Christian were sitting side by side on the sand. Their bodies were almost touching; but not quite. Christian felt an attachment to her, but not like before, where he felt smothered. There was a degree of separateness between them, but just enough for them to breathe.
'So' Tara said, breaking the silence that had settled between them. 'How are you?'
'Fine' Christian said. 'You?'
'Ms raine is on my case, My back is giving me trouble and I don't think my body is able to function with only a few hours sleep a night, but apart from that I'm okay'
Christian smiled to himself. Same old Tara.
'So not much going on then' he said.
'No' Tara smiled. 'Not much' something about the way she looked seemed like she was holding something back, and she looked up to meet Christians eyes. They lingered for a moment, lost in the moment.
'So, are you really going to tell me how you really feel?' Tara asked.
There was a pause.
'Todays been ok' Christian said. 'I didn't really think too much. Last week was rough'
Tara nodded mutely, and Christian knew she was thinking about his disastrous appointment with the therapist.
'Christian' Tara began. Her voice was quiet but not powerless, a direct contrast from the sea. 'Do you think what you're going through now has something to do with Sammy?'
'I don't know' Christian replied. 'Sometimes, I guess. There was a piece of me that was destroyed that day, and I still don't think it's back'
'But Sammy, he... He never left. He's always here Christian, in us.' She said.
'It just gets hard sometimes. I miss him. He would've helped me through this. Told me to man up or something. He always had my back'
Tara looked across her shoulder and smiled with sympathy and understanding.
'Sometimes I get good news, or just learn something stupid and I'm like Sammy has to hear this! But then I have to remember again. And that hurts' Tara tells him.
Christian smiles sadly and turns to look at her. 'Im sure he knows' he told her.
'Im sure he does' Tara agrees, and Christian has the courage to place his hand on hers and clasp their fingers together.
'I remember when I was younger' Christian began. 'My mum, she used to tell me that both bad things and good things happened and they couldn't be helped. But she used to say that although the good thins don't make the bad things go away, the bad things don't make the good things any less important'
'She was right' Tara told him.
'Thats what we've got to do about Sammy. If we remember the good times, the fact that he's gone will her a little less'
There was a silence between them. Christian felt the pain in his heart, but it was a comfortable kind of sad. Being with Tara the pain didn't seem so overpowering, and although he was hurting he knew that Tara was too, and Christian didn't feel quite so alone.
'You put too much pressure on yourself, you know.' Tara said, the slight breeze softly blowing her hair across her cheek. Christian wanted to reach out and brush it behind her ear, the way he used to do before he messed everything up.
'You're not all bad. You don't ruin anything, Christian. Not even yourself. Will you promise me something?' She asked.
'What?'
'To always see at least one tiny good thing. Like the way you dance, your talent, how good of a friend you are. Always know that in my eyes you're perfect' she said.
'I'll try, Tara. For you' he said.
'And what about me?' Tara asked. 'Am I partly the reason? Because I feel that what happened between us... I'm sorry'
'It's not your fault. It's no ones fault Tara. We were...something. Sure. The break up was messy but it didn't make me the way I am' Christian told her.
'And Kat? We never talked about her?' Tara said, her voice gentle but hesitant.
'I messed Kat up. I'm sorry. To both of you. It wasn't the right time, for any of us' Christian felt a stab of regret in his chest. He was truly sorry to what happened between him and Kat.
'Its okay. Kat's happy. She really is' Tara insisted.
'Well that makes one of us.' Christian said, but worried about the weight if his words he decided to put a light hearted spin on things.
'Thanks for rubbing it in, training bra' he laughed, feigning hurt.
'Oh, shut up Christian!' Tara exclaimed, before jumping up and pulling christian upright beside her.
'Swim time?' She asked.
Christian hesitated, and Tara immediately noticed the shift in his eyes.
'Whats wrong?' She asked, her hand brushing Christians arm absentmindedly. Even with his racing mind, Christian felt the beautiful burn of her touch.
'Just...' he struggled with the words. He nervously pulled at his t shirt.
'What is it?' Tara asked again, her eyes darting across his face searching for clues.
'Scars' Christian muttered quietly, and he saw Tara's whole face drop.
'It's okay. I promise. It's just us.' She said.
Christian looked around them, and sure enough the busy beach that had arrived to was now deserted, apart from a dog walker about 30 yards away. He turned back to face Tara, and was suddenly aware of how close they were standing to eachother. He felt like Tara would judge him even if she promised she wouldn't, would look at the marks herself and decide they were too messed up and ugly for her. He had never shown them to anyone apart from her, and even then it wasn't out in the open or for a long time. Although he had been cutting less, the scars were still there and would take a long time to fade, both outside and inside.
'Christian, don't let them define who you are. You're worth more than them. You're still the same Christian, with or without them' she told him. With her words circling his mind, Christian decided to go against his brain and listen to his heart, which wanted to be with Tara for as long as possible. So he took of his shirt, and Tara did see the lines dotting across his waist and hip, mostly healing now. And she pulled Christian into a hug and he felt her hair, and although he could feel her bare arms touching them it didn't feel strange and he didn't feel ugly or hated. He felt like he belonged, like his heart was where it was supposed to be. And of course Tara would never be able to cure his sadness. It is rooted deep within him, and it will always flow in his blood and surface now and then. But with Tara he didn't have to face this by himself, and although he didn't accept himself it made him feel slightly better than someone did. All these thoughts were dizzying his brain and Tara stepped away from him and pulled off her dress to reveal her swimsuit underneath. He was infatuated with her, and the idea came suddenly to him and he knew it has been true all along, ever since he first saw her. And Christian doesn't believe in love at fist sight, but he felt this connection to Tara ever since that first day in the changing rooms. He hasn't been able to shake her off since, and to have her standing there, totally confident with herself and with him, he realised how much she had grown. And how much he wanted to grow with her. And how beautiful she was, her hair illuminated by the sleeping sun behind her.
'Come on!' She called, and she grabbed his hand and ran, pulling him into the ocean. She shrieked at the cold, and Christian took the opportunity to scoop a mass of water and splash her, soaking her skin. He watched how the water droplets ran down her back, and melted back into the soft motion of the waves. She in turn tried to dunk him under, and he was so close to her now, so close to where he wanted to be. The person he wanted to be with. It was now Christians time to be brave, as they stopped playing in the water and swum further out, the water at Christians chest.
'Tara' he said, and his heart was beating so fast he swore it could burst right through his rib cage. She was looking up at him, a lazy smile played on her lips, and he got lost before he found the words at the back of his brain.
'Im sorry. For what I've done and what I did and what I will do. I'm a mess and I'm trying but... You've got to believe me I'm trying. And it's because of you and you make everything easier and I'm really not explaining this well but... I'm going to show it.'
And with that he bent down and kissed Tara on the lips. Their kiss was slow and warm and gentle, and he felt himself melt into her. They kissed until their lips got tired, and he recognised a familiarity to being with her, but also felt something new. Something big and scary, but it lit him up from the inside. Tara was the light that would chase out the shadows inside him. For the fist time in a long time, Christian felt something new erupt from inside him. Hope, hope for his future, hope for himself and hop for Tara. And for the first time he felt strong, and he knew that he could beat this, this sadness that he's carried around for a long time. Together, with Tara, he could do anything.