The colors of light

Chapter 1

                          Chapter 1

I am fond of these pointless love stories we are constantly submerged with. I even believed in it for awhile, but turns out that your heart can only take so many hits. I started to pretend like love didn't matter to me, and everyone believed it. I figured that this way I would too, one day but that never happened. You always remain with this craving for someone to be with you, to see you in a way, that only that person can. But that craving is even more painful when you don't believe in it. So I fold into myself and ignored the voices around me and made it my mission to save everyone. I was happy, little did I know what the real meaning and opposite of happiness could be.

Until one random day when he stood in front of me, and showed me how it feels to be alive, not by any action but just by looking at me. I didn't know who "he" was but for some reason that didn't matter.

I continued to stare at him, in the middle of the busy street living around me, but it didn't reach me. All I could see was the way he stared back at me and the dept of his eyes. I saw everything I felt through them. The pain, the fear and the constant need to be okay, the hoping for people to believe that while actually wanting them to hold me and listen to my tears. And I suddenly felt an incredibly strong connection to this crooked stranger.
I wanted to save him from his demons because I knew somehow that if I knew how to find the light in his soul. I knew I could find the light in mine.

But he left. He turned his eyes away and left. And there I was alone again, frozen among a sea of people, cars and noise. Wondering what just happened, why did I feel so much and so little at the same time.
I was overwhelmed by a desire, No, a need to follow him. A need that would never dissapear, one I still feel right now sitting in front of my window, watching the rain pouring from the sky but only seeing the pain in his eyes, a pain he sew into mine.
They say, you remember only the good things about someone after they leave, and that you grief, and move on. I wish that was true because it would take the aching away. An aching that makes me constantly replay every part of us in my mind. This life-changing moment and all the changing moments in life that took his colors away from me.
I am reminded of the best times of my life with him, by the simplest things. His love made these things exceptionnal...

                                  ***

I remember how one year ago he took my hand and dragged me along. Despite my unwillingness, but this rapidly evaporated by his infectious laughter and smile when I was in his sight.
He told me that one of his favorite things were empty libraries. ( author's note: I saw this in a quote one day and think it's so beautiful to think of an empty library as one of the most beautiful things in the world, and that it is problably true)
I never understood what was so special about an empty library but after that one night my opinion changed completely.

That morning when I arrived at school. He pulled me aside in the hallways. He kissed me and we engaged in conversation. The bell rang, and just before we had to go, he told me, that he wanted to spend the night with me that evening, out of nowhere. My reaction was horrified, I didn't know what to say to him, after these words slipped out of his mouth. I just stood there and nodded while making scenarios in my head. I got more and more nervous when all those scenarios, involved nakedness. He kissed me and walked away, just like that. I couldn't even get myself to ask him what he had in mind. I thought I was going to die, he had made me so nervous. We had been together for about 6 months that day.

This major freak-out lasted for the entire day and I tried my best to not think about it, by avoiding him. My friends kept asking me what was wrong but I refused to tell them, so I waited impatiently  for the last hour of the day. I guess secrecy was one of our shared faults.
At the end of the schoolday, he gave me a paper with an address on it and told me to be there on time. He kissed me on the cheek, told me he loved me more than I could ever understand, and that he had to hurry, and he disappeared. Leaving me even more nervous than I already was.
I loved this mysterious, secretive side of him even though it could be very frustrating sometimes.
I went home after school, thinking of an excuse for my dad, to let me spend the night with my 16 year old boyfriend. Realising how crazy this sounded, I took my cellphone out of my pocket and started dialing his number. But then invisioned his smile, and perfect face, with his lightened eyes and the way all this would fade to disappointment if I cancelled. I had seen his dimmed eyes to many times already. And I didn't want to miss his smile, it is so beautiful.
It was so beautiful.
Without thinking I dialed Lux, my best friend, and told her the plans. She laughed, while I explained everything to her and confirmed my thoughts.
She told me not to worry and tell my father I was with her. The excuse she had used so many times on her parents.
I almost reggreted it, but the adrenaline took over my fears and despite the weird circumstances I was excited about our date. Who knows maybe he just wants to go to the cinema or something like that. I told myself that I shouldn't worry, knowing that Jones would never force me into something he knew I wasn't ready for. I reasoned myself and finally managed to calm down and felt happy for the time we would spend together.
I walked home and prepared what I would say. It wasn't the first time I would lie to my dad but it felt so much more important today. Everything involving him had felt so much more important the last few months since I met him, like the rest hadn't mattered. Like I was just born now and hadn't lived before.
I got inside and saw my dad at the kitchen table sitting over bills, looking desperate. I put my bag down and walked towards him.
"Dad can I ask you something?" He didn't react and I grew nervous.
"Dad! "
" Yes oh you're home , I am just ... You know...."He looked at me, then at the papers scattered around the table, back at me and saw my anxiety and finally asked:
"What's wrong?"
" Nothing I was just wondering if... Ehm.. You would agree with..., I mean..., I wanted to ask you..."
I really suck at lying so I decided, I should just get my shit together, and go right at it:
" Can I spend the night at Lux's?" I looked at my feet, then at him.
" Yes of course" he answered and dived back into his calculator. I was so relieved, which was stupid because he didn't know I was lying, so I had no reason too.
I was alarmed when I realised it was time to go. I got up to my room to gather some stuff and breath before saying goodbye to my dad, and heading out the door. I looked at the crumbled paper in my pocket, stating the bus I should take from my house to the address I recognised as one of London's oldest libraries. Why would he want to go to a library? This did confirm the fact that we would stay fully-clothed. Which made me feel very relieved and laugh at myself for the ridiculous thoughts I had regarding our date.
I got on the bus. I put my earphones in, to try and distract myself from the puzzle I was trying to make in my mind.

I joined him in front of the address he gave me. And was confused by the place we were at, why would he want to meet me at a library. This was everything but, what I expected. He approached me and I could already feel his presence invading my soul, making all my wonders dissapear. And his air my lungs making it bearable to breath in this world. He looked me in the eyes and then kissed me like it was the first and last time.

Author's note: So nervous about publishing this...
I hope you enjoy it
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Love❤️
Paperroads