Trailer Park Queen

A Letter to the Devil

After you left,
I was left to pick up the pieces.
Restart.

You know after it all came crashing down,
I realised something;
We were the worst kind of drug,
For each other.

This yearning to go back,
Again and again,
And rekindle this swine of a love.
It tortured me.

We wrestled with this swine too long.
And it got the better of me.
And yet I must admit,
You had your moments,
Not many, but enough
To make me think,
Dream, hope, lust,
For a future with you.

Because this love was
A bipolar shipwreck of faith,
So iridescent in the fabric of the night.

And yet by day I saw your true colours.

We could not stop this crashing,
Burning thing, my love,
And we burnt so long
And hard before and after.
Did you think that this could last
. . . forever?

Because I did.
Because in the valley of your guilt,
There was promise my darling.
In the darkness of this awakening,
I realised you were both the light,
And the shade.

And yet the shade became my only light.
You were the worst lover,
For this tragic girls heart.

I craved you all summer
And winter and everything in between.
You became the darkest star,
In the night sky.

This, my only regret,
Is to have rekindled that love,
Because you, with your kind words,
And your cool, calm,
Collected confidence,
Consumed me with my vices.

This enabling love was my only failing,
And my every failing,
And now my heart is failing,
And my liver is failing too.

Because you swore to be my saviour,
But you dragged me through the dirt.
I needed you to take the Jameson off the shelf,
Smash the bottle.

So many times,
I wanted you to swipe the pills,
Into a plastic bag and stand up to me.
Scream in my face and tell me,
How stupid I was, how stupid a girl I am.
I needed you to be my consequence,
But you were only my reward.

You were my drug darling,
And I loved you more than life,
And though it's frightening,
I just admitted it to myself;

. . . My lover was the Devil.