Skeletal Prison

Chapter Four

Sitting in the guest room that was now mine, it started to hit me. The voice was back, and the strive to do as she says hit me like a 18-wheeled truck hitting a innocent baby flower in the middle of the high way. It was at this moment, I would give anything to know how much I weighed, I would give anything to go into the kitchen and tear down that damned nutrition guide. I would give anything to tear this room apart to find those laxatives that I had left here that one weekend I stayed and even more to just cut the fat out from under my skin so that I was nothing but bone and skin.

in reality, even after I did that, I would still weigh too much. It would not be until I scraped out all the marrow from my bones, tore off two of the three layers of skin away and pulled out all of my organs I would feel at least closer to perfect.

“Tessa?” I looked up from my feet when I heard the voice of my dad on the other side of the cheep white door that I knew Renee picked out when she moved in. But before I could say anything, that door was opened and my dad was standing there, lost for words in his eyes. I could see the pain in his eyes, not knowing what to say to his own daughter. I could tell that he did not want me here deep down, that he wished I was still at the clinic deep down, because we both knew that we had no idea what to do from here.

“Are you all unpacked?” He asked calmly as he looked around, my suitcase still unopened, and I was sitting in the same clothes that I put on in the clinic this morning. “Well, that was a stupid question.” Watching as he ran his fingers through his tousled short brown hair, I watched as he looked out of my room, hoping that someone would call for him. But Mia and my stepmother, Renee, are out. It is just me and my dad in this lonely and quiet house. 

“Dad, can you make some soup?” I asked breaking the silence. The look in his eyes when I said that were of hope, of happiness. But to me, it was just a way to get him out of this room. All I wanted to do was to be alone.

“Yeah, I will go make it now. I will come get you when it is ready.” He said as he walked out of the room, leaving me finally alone. 

You don’t want soup. That will make you fatter you fat calf. You are weak, you are not strong. You are pathetic. The voice is louder than ever, she is back. In clinic, she was muted, I was busy much of the time, I never had time to listen. But now, here I am, alone, and she is back, and she is mad. 

Minutes pass until my dad comes back up, the small of canned soup has taken over his body, and the smell of slightly burnt toast lingers through the house. I look over at the window, I want to escape, climb out of my window and just run, but I can’t. My room is on the second floor, and my dad is watching me. I know that he could out run me. I can’t make it very far before I would fall to the ground.

“Come on, Mia and her mom are home, family lunch.” He said as he watches me, slip on a baggy hoodie. Hiding the truth of this disease, and the pain that is engraved on my arms. I get up and lead him downstairs into the kitchen. 

Mia looks excited to see me. She has grown. Her short hair is now long, and she is missing 2 teeth. She looks tired from being dragged around where ever Renee took her, but yet she looks excited that I am here. Sometimes I wonder if she knew what was really wrong with me, if she would want to see me anymore.

“TESSA!” She yells in her high pitched voice as she runs over to me, almost knocking me over if my dad was not behind me to catch me. “I’ve missed you so much! How was your moms? Daddy told me that you were coming back soon!” I look over at him confused. Did Mia not even know I was at the hospital. Did she think that I was just on the other side of town with my mom for 2 months? 

“It’s great to see you again too Mia-Mia!” I tell her as I kiss her head, and follow my dad back to the kitchen, my hand holding my half-sisters little and warm hand.

“So, Renee, do you and Mia want to eat with us? I made enough.” My dad said as he pulled out two more bowls and a loaf of french bread that looked fresh, as if he picked it up before he came to get me, knowing that we would have to have a meal sometime in the near future.

“That sounds great, lets just go wash our hands first Mia.” Renee said as he walked out with my little sister, leaving me face to face with my dad, across the table, bowls of soup in front of us and bread in the middle. This was going to be a war zone, I could feel it. The tension in the air could be cut with a knife. 

Slowly, I sit down, picking up the silver spoon, my refection is distorted in it. But yet as I look at myself in the spoon, I feel that it is not distorted, that is how I really look. Tearing my eyes away, I run it through the tomato soup, the red water covers the mirror. 

It feels like it takes me ages before I can make the courage to take a small slurp. The calorie numbers are jumping in my head, but I can feel the glare of my dad watching me like I hawk. I close my eyes and I take a small gulp. It is warm, it tastes so good. My body wants it, no, my body NEEDS it, but the voice is louder than ever, yelling at me for taking that bite. As I look up at my dad, he is smiling a soft smile. There are no words, only the faint sounds of the water running in the hall bathroom can be heard in the house. 

I know that my dad is proud of me, and I want to be better, I want to be normal. Yet at the same time, I just want to be left alone.