I can see Eva sitting by her twilight fire, listless and alone. Her tarp, half-heartedly strung between two incongruent trees, would have her backpack carelessly stowed under it. I would walk into the clearing with my own pack and stand before her, illuminated by her firelight. She'd look up at me, surprised, and then she would smile. Not her world-shattering, dizziness-inducing smile, but a greeting. I would be welcome.
"Did you forget something, Paul?" she'd ask, guardedly. She would be afraid to have to say goodbye again. There had been too many endings too recently for her.
I would walk around the fire, set my pack down beside hers and sit beside her before I spoke. "I came back for something, yes. But there was no forgetting."
I would look at her steadily, I think, wanting her to sense my resolve.
I would figure that she'd be dulled by her losses and stare unseeingly back at the fire, accepting my presence instead of questioning it. After a while, Eva would sigh, long and painful. I would inch closer and pull her into my arms. She wouldn't resist me. Her head would rest against my shoulder and I would hold her, breathing deeply to slow my racing heart.
"Have you eaten anything?" I would ask her, eventually.
She would murmur, "No."
"I can make--" I would offer.
Eva would shake her head. "No, Paul." At this point she might tilt her head back to look at me and I'd smile down at her. "Are you...staying?" she would ask, starting to comprehend.
I see myself smoothing her hair, brightened to a fiery orange by the firelight, or stroking her cheek with my thumb. "Yes," I would reply.
She'd sit upright, still in my embrace, still with her arm around me, but now her hand would be on my hip and I'd have to do more measured breathing to keep myself together. Eva's green-eyed stare would be hard to return, but I'd try, so she'd know I meant what I was about to say.
"As long as you want me. To stay." I know I would start staring at her lips but it would be too soon to kiss her.
Here's where it's all less clear. She could curl in closer and fall asleep in the safety of my arms. Or she might begin to cry, grateful for my friendship. There's the chance Eva might stand and pace, and begin to curse me, insisting I shouldn't be here, but knowing full well she needed me. And I know she did. But she had to love me, not just need me. For that, I figure I would have to wait.
But I'd killed this moment. This opportunity was long past. This beautiful scenario that I replayed far too often in my head never did happen, was never going to happen, as close as it had been. I could have had it, but I gave it up for higher principles. I gave Eva up to a better man than I was. So I, too, would be a better man.
Now it was a forbidden game I'd been playing, for my own private torture. But every night when I closed my eyes, I was there, sitting by Eva's fire.
Enough of this torment. I needed to find her.
I needed Eva to prove to me that I was the only who tended the fire.
