once before // ashton irwin

chapter eight // sickness.

 "I know your love
       weighs heavy on my h e a r t.

 But you are my only 
               c o u n t e r p a r t."

                   - "Don't Wake Me Up" Lianne La Havas

nora's pov

The summer's heat blazes down upon me as I make my way through the rather empty downtown. I don't bother calling Everett. I need some time to clear my head and just get away from everything and everyone. 

I really should have done this a long time ago. 

Throwing my blonde hair into a messy bun to try and cool myself down from the sun's rays, I make my way down the familiar streets, taking turn after turn until the beautiful city park comes into view. Being noon on a school day, the park is abandoned of all children - who are usually the inhabitants.

I set my things down on the grass before I lie down myself. I stare up at the blue sky, my arms spread wide, allowing the prickly green grass to tickle my flesh ever-so-slightly. I close my eyes and let the sun heat the surface of my flesh. 

With my eyes closed it's easy to pretend it's just me in this big world. That Ashton hasn't come back like a ghost from my past, and I'll make it through the day. And I'll take a break from all of that any day. 

Unfortunately, today is not that day. 

Ashton enters my mind, causing my chin to quiver as I fight against tears. Rolling onto my side, I curl up into a ball, wrapping my arms around my knees, hugging them to my chest. I could care less that I probably look like some mentally unstable girl from the passerbyers. 

He was a hundred percent correct, what he had told me. That I don't even know myself. How am I supposed to figure out my feelings for Ashton - or what's left of them anyways - when I can't reflect upon myself without having a mental breakdown. 

That's probably why everything that happened with Ashton, happened. Because I wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship. I was young and stupid and fell into love far too quickly with the boy with the dimples and adorable laugh. 

But it's not like Ashton helped any of that. I fell head over heels but only because he tripped me. 

Would I ever be capable of loving another human being, or am I too messed up for my own good? I mean, I scared away the only person that ever saw me and still chose to love me. 

I sit up suddenly, sick and tired of filling my own head with such depressing and masochistic thoughts, knowing exactly where I'm headed if I keep this up; it's not a place I want to go back to. 

I have to keep in mind that I'm not the only one at fault here. Ashton just waltzed back into my life, stomping around carelessly, not even thinking about the people he's hurting. After he left, he never once tried to call me. Now suddenly he's back and demanding I figure myself out first before we can talk about the two of us.

 He knows my weaknesses, and he'll use them to break me down to what I was at the beginning of this summer. That is, if I let him. 

If I wasn't so miserably stuck in my spot at the moment, I'd find him and give him a piece of my mind. A bitter smile appears on my lips as I imagine how smoothly that would go over. I can count the arguments on one hand that didn't end with Ashton conning me into a better mood.

I didn't have the opportunity to ever be upset or angry or even sad when I was around him. He and his stupid dimples would appear and push it all away.