The Suicide Letters

The Fifth Letter

this time

i'm drowning.

i can see the water swirling all around me.

blues and greens interjected with white patches and air bubbles. 

i watch my hair go out around me

enveloping me in a shroud of black.

it covers my nose

but i can't possibly panic more than i already am.

it can't take away oxygen that isn't there.

i start to think

for a moment

that if i die in the water

i will not see him

he will not get me

or at least

he will not get me until after i am dead.

i 

thought

wrong 

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"NO!" I shriek as I roll off the bed and onto the floor, knocking into a lamp and making it crash next to me.

It breaks, and my heart is still beating at the rate of a freight train as I try to figure out what just happened. It was all a dream, right?

I don't even realize that the lamp is broken and shards are all around me, that I am an island in the midst of broken pieces, until I feel a sharpness in my left arm. I look down and pull a piece of lamp out of my skin just as my door opens and the light from the hallway shines in.

Please don't be mom and dad, please don't be mom and dad I chant over and over again in the short seconds it takes me to look up.

It's Kat, and she's standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips.

"I'm going to get mom and dad," she says and I start to shake my head.

"Please don't," I whisper from my spot on the ground.

Kat sighs and walks over to me, careful to avoid the shards in the carpet. She pulls me up and I hop onto the bed so I don't step on anything sharp.

"This has gone on too long, Mel," Kat says quietly, sitting next to me on my bed.

Isniffle and run my hand over my nose, "I don't want them to know."

She rubs a hand over my back and I lean into her, "I know. But they need to know."

"Not right now," I say before lying back down on my bed. She pulls my covers up to my chin.

"Okay. But tomorrow. Pinky promise?" She sticks her pinky out and reluctantly I grip mine with hers.

"Pinky promise."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

I yawn wide enough to engulf all of the Grand Canyon as I walk inside the school the next morning. Too tired. Much too tired. 

I walk over to my locker, and I'm in the process of shoving books inside when my shoulder gets tapped.

I turn around, and he's standing right there.