Chapter 1- Revelation
"Ding"
The doors of the elevator sliding open brought me to awareness, as I watched them open to reveal the busy lobby.
For a second, just a second I forgot what I was supposed to do, My mind went totally blank ,so there I was standing in the elevator looking out, looking like a lifeless doll. Not knowing what move to make next...
And like a zap of lightning. I remember!
Im running away, like I always do when things get though,I never face my battles I run, always . Then I argue with myself after all is said done when it's too late, how I could have stayed and face my problems and conquer them, then I'd let myself dream that I was stronger that I was more independent, key word being "dream". I would wish I was stronger, I would wish that things went differently. I would wish I didn't run.
But today I agree with my insticts I didnt try to fight them didnt berate myself .
why fight when you know you already lost?
what would the point be ?
There is no point in fighting a lost battle, no point at all. It's just wasted energy, you accept your fate and move on. You've lost.
Now it was clear there's nothing I could do but run.
And I will.
Staying to face something like this has serious consequences that I'm not sure- no, I know I can't handle.
Something so hurtful, so unthinkable so...so disgusting! The damage is done, it's done. And it can't be undone and the consequences have already started.
I walked out of the elevator shoulders squared confidently marching to the front doors, step after step. After something like this I expected myself to be crying my eyes out, barely able to support myself at least thats what I always thought when I heard it happening to others. Strangely enough I felt light , light as air I didn't feel the ground under me as I walked, I just walked head straight, steps confident. I always thought that something like this would never happen to me, that I was secured.
Why did I think I was so special?
As I walked I glanced at the secretary, she smiled at me , no not a 'goodbye , see you later smile' it was a 'your doing great smile' ,as if she was proud. Dont ask me how i knew its the ways of women like she was telling me , 'that's it girl be strong' and i took comfort in that and I also that... ......
Then it hit me!... She knew! she absolutely knew what was going on and she wanted me to know. That's why she led me to that office so fast she wanted me to catch them in the act.
I felt thankfull towards her for leading me to the truth but i couldnt help to resent her a bit for it, if only I... I..didn't know.
Sometimes the truth is hideous.
We always think we want the truth but when we get it , it could be so unpleasant that we wished we'd stay in the dark.
Being in the dark is so pleasant isn't it?
Not knowing can sometimes be a good thing.
This question raced in my mind :
How long has this been going on??
While I knew absolutely nothing, I've never felt so betrayed in my entire life.
How many ?
I shudder to think ......
I was so clueless!
So stupid!
I made my way outside to the parking lot. I doubt my brain was working to comprehend anything properly right now . I felt unplugged, unplugged to my brain, my body, reality.
I pushed open those double doors stepped outside for some reason everything was muted , no I wasn't deaf, it wasnt totally quiet.
The sounds were just lowered, fitted in the background , like they knew not to disturb me that I wasn't very much alive at this moment.
I made a beeline for my car, not stopping to greet and share stories like I usually do . If anyone noticed they didn't say anything and I was thankfull for that. I dont think I would have been able to speak.
I unlocked my car got inside sat myself down . then I thought to myself ,what do I do now?
Where do I go now?
I never thought this would happen so I never had a backup plan .
It's funny how you can be on the top the world one moment, and falling the next. The thing when your falling is you fall fast.
But one question was the loudest , I heard it in my head the moment I walked in that dreadful office and saw what was happening. I refused to acknowledge it because I fear of what the answer would be. Even though I ignored it, my mind had other ideas of its own as the answer kept going round and round in my mind like a rollercoaster.
Its because of me, i'm not good enough.
Twenty blank seconds later I entered my key in the ignition started my car and drove. I wanted-no needed to get away.
So I drove, I just drove.
I didn't want to think. When the hurt is so much, so embracing ,so consuming you just want to lose yourself in it.
I drove without remembering where I went what or who I saw I just pressed that gas pedal . That wheel became my link to reality ,my supporter,I gripped it as hard as I could, because I was convinced that if let go or even loosen my grip now I'd slip to the realm of the non living and somehow I found the strength to hold on,so I held .
And during it all I couldn't help but realize even though this hurt this betrayal I'm feeling is rather something I'd rather not feel but it's the first thing I've felt in a long time and that somehow managed to bring the ghost of a smile to my face.
'i'm alive , I'm still here'.
And that gave me the strenght to realize its time I stopped running. I wont lay down and take it this time i'm going to fight.
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So this is like my first story here, Hope you guys like it !!
Please tell me if i should continue.
COMMENT- be honest
VOTE- it would be nice :D
~Nella~
