Of Lions and Marmosets

‘Hello darling.’ Frank kisses his wife and shuts the front door. ‘Where are the kids?’

‘At my mother’s house.’

‘Oh really? Why?’

‘Well, when we visited her this afternoon they were so exhausted and fell asleep on her couch. We couldn’t move them after that. Mum said she would drop them off at school tomorrow.’

Frank smiles. ‘So, we have the house all to ourselves?’

‘Yes we do.’

‘How should we make use of it?’ Frank stares seductively at his wife.

‘We could bake muffins?’

‘I was thinking more along the lines of something in the bedroom...’

‘Oh. You finally want to clean out your sock drawer?’

‘Forget it. How was the zoo?’

‘Huh? Oh, yes it was very good. Evie absolutely fell in love with the llamas.’

‘Really? That’s strange. I always thought Evie was terrified of llamas. Do you remember last Christmas at your Aunt’s place?’

‘Oh yes. How could I forget? Well, I guess she must have outgrown her fear of llamas. Jack was quite taken with the tigers. But then again, aren’t all boys?’

‘I resent that. I’ll admit, I’ve always liked mountain lions – their strength, speed and killer instinct – but now I must say I’m rather fond of those little monkeys, you know the ones that sound like squeaky doors?’

‘Marmosets.’

‘Yes, marmosets.’

‘But you hate marmosets. You said that their heads looked like deformed, furry little potatoes.’

‘Evie used to despise llamas, and now apparently she loves them, so why aren’t I allowed to like marmosets?’

‘You can like whatever you want to honey. But seriously, are you telling me that your new favourite animal is a marmoset?’

‘No. I never said that. I merely said that I was rather fond of them. But that isn’t the issue here; the issue is that you don’t believe that I could prefer a marmoset over a mountain lion.’

Julie laughs.

‘What’s so funny?’ Frank inquires.

‘We didn’t actually go to the zoo today. I was feeling sick and exhausted, so I took the kids bowling instead.’

‘So Evie is still scared of llamas then?’

‘Probably.’

Frank falls silent. After a moment he sits down on the recliner and switches on the television.

 ‘I didn’t want to upset you. I know how much you wanted the kids to see the zoo.’

Frank stares at the television.

 ‘Think of it this way, now you can take them.’

He grumbles.

‘So...how was your day?’

‘Mine? Fantastic,’ Frank’s voice is laden with sarcasm, ‘served sixty-three customers, sold nine cars on the spot; a new regional record. After work I went out with Brad for a few rounds of golf. You remember Brad right?’

‘Brad. Is he the one with the tan and the blue eyes?’

‘Yes.’

‘Oh and the cute smile?’

‘I guess you could say that.’

‘Well then yes, I remember Brad.’

Silence.

‘How is Brad’s wife? What’s her name?’

‘Silvia.’

‘Silvia, right, how is Silvia?’

‘I have no idea.’

‘He didn’t talk about her? That’s strange; men usually talk about their wives to their friends. Did you talk about me?’

‘Of course.’

‘Then surely Brad talked about Silvia.’

‘Probably.’

‘Then why can’t you remember. Your memory is usually very sharp.’

‘He probably did mention her, but I don’t recall it because I have no interest in her, besides being my colleague’s wife.’

‘No interest huh? Blonde hair, blue eyes, huge tits. Funny, I seem to remember you being very interested in her. Or maybe that was someone else’s wife?’

‘What the fuck is going on? I feel like I’m being interrogated.’

‘You don’t like it when I ask you questions?’

‘I don’t like it when you ask me a series of unanswerable questions designed to accuse me of something. What do you think I’ve done?’

‘Nothing...’

‘So you thought you’d just fuck with my feelings for the hell of it?’

‘I didn’t take the kids bowling.’

‘You what now?’

‘Mum offered to take them for the day because I was feeling under the weather.’

‘Christ woman, do you ever tell me the truth? Or is it just one lie after another?’

‘You want the truth?’

‘Yes! For god’s sake, for once in your life, tell me the god damn truth!’

‘I’m pregnant.’

‘What?’

Silence.

‘Again? Since when?’

‘I took the test on Monday?’

‘When the fuck were you planning on telling me this?’

‘Well. Right now I guess.’

Frank breathes in deeply.

‘For fuck’s sake Julie, we said that two was enough, didn’t we? In fact, I recall sitting right here and discussing exactly this. How the fuck did this happen? I thought you were on the pill.’

‘I thought you were going to pull out.’

‘Great...’

‘What, you think I’m happy about this? You’re not the one who is going to be constantly nauseous for the next four to eight weeks. You’re not the one who is going to swell up like a balloon, like a fucking hippopotamus. And you’re definitely not the one who is going to have to endure child birth, which is, by the way, at least three hundred times more painful than anything you’ve ever experienced, and yes that includes being kicked in the balls in grade nine.’

The fridge whirrs, the clock ticks, and sounds emanate from the television.

‘Oh.’