Diaries of the Thick Girl Committee

Tracy 3: Foolish

 2 days off. 2 days off from work and everything should be stress free, right? Wrong. You don't get days off when there are bills to be paid, a child to be fed and errands to be ran. Occasional breaks? Maybe. But a full vacation? Never. Time is one of the many things you have to sacrifice when you're an adult. Sacrificing something that's bound to run out anyway.

The day starts off as usual, but instead of going to work after I drop Maleek off, I went on a job hunt. Sams was right. There has to be something better out there for me. But you can't sit around and wait for it, you have to find it. But I still can't help but feel like I'm starting at square one. I've done this before and ended up with the same outcome; nothing. It got to the point when I gave up and settled. I gave up on trying and the amount of guilt I feel is almost unbearable, because that means I gave up on my son. I can't say he was the only reason I was trying, because I wanted better for myself, but he was a major push for me to keep going. And I gave up.

Well it's time for me to hop back on the bike and if I fall, I guess I have no choice but to keep going. Turning around is no longer an option. Scrapes and bruises will heal but the weight of failing, is endless pain.

Only 2 years of college, majoring interior design and minoring industrial. So finding a job is not the easiest task. I wanted to make homes. Homes for other people because I never had one. My dream was to make homes beautiful from the décor to the appliances. Yes, my dreams were to advance other homes but most importantly, make one of my own.

Everywhere in downtown was a bust. I filled out 9 applications, and everywhere else help wasn't wanted. But I promised myself I wouldn't give up. Not until I find what I'm looking for.

Deciding it was enough for the day, I knew I still had to drop by the restaurant to pick up my check. Looking at my watch, it reads 1 o'clock. Just in time for the next bus. When the bus finally comes, I jump on and head to Food Heaven. Going to work on a day off upsets me. I know I should be happy that I'm getting paid but when ever I step a toe in that place, a dark cloud hovers over my head. I'm just waiting for the day it'll rain.

The bus ride ends and I walk the extra block to restaurant. Walking through the doors I take in the dull surroundings. If I could, I would fix this place up myself. The inside is just like the food; bland.

I walk towards the back of the restaurant to the manager's office. I suppose he's a good guy but you don't see him much. He really only comes on pay day and once all the staff gets their check, he packs his stuff and goes. Then you won't see his face for another two weeks or so.

I honestly don't think that he enjoys his job. His grand father and father started this place so I guess he had no choice but to keep it going. Failing miserably.

Knocking on the door, there was a muffled 'come in'. I turn the rusty door handle and walk in. The office was dark and empty. A simple wood desk, old filing cabinets, and vintage like lamps.

Mr. Dennis, sits behind his desk and glimpses at me, from his apple laptop.

“Hello, Tracy.” He said without even a second look.

Til this day, it still surprises me that he knows my name. I didn't think he even knew who I was, yet alone my title.

To be in his 40's I couldn't help but notice how old he looks. Not his physical features but his demeanor. He was very closed off and almost grumpy. His eyes were a dull dark brown, and his brown skin lacked the same shine.

“Good afternoon.” I said a little less then cheery.

He opened a drawer and stuck his hand inside. Taking his hand out, a flimsy piece of paper comes along with it. He rest the paper on the desk and pushes it towards the edge.