Spring Break

20

Today is the small funeral we put together for Jourdan. Nothing big.

We decided against having him cremated. The hospital suggested that we did but I didn't want to.

Austin got us rings with Jourdans name on it. Just so I can have the memory of him everywhere I go.

There's isn't many people here. We just had a small funeral. I couldn't possibly take anything else.

But that's the thing about me. All I am is bad luck. Nothing ever goes my way. All my life I've always had bad luck. But now I have a whole other person to think about.

I don't want my bad luck to ruin his career and possibly his life.

My thoughts came back. Thoughts of suicide. It's not something I'm proud of but I can't help it.

I tried last night while Austin was away at his mothers. I really tried. I swallowed pills. Lots of them.

Robert found me and made them come back up. He saved me. Robert made me promise to never try killing myself again. I disagreed.  I told him as long as Austin didn't find out about this I wouldn't do it again.

Robert said that we should try therapy. Not with am actually therapist. Just me an him. Everyday at twelve in the afternoon.

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I sat on the couch and people came and sat. They told me how sorry they were and it wasn't my fault. They all brought lots of food and flowers.

The house was filled with food and flowers. The dining room was filled with stuff from the guest. The house was filled with stuff from the fans.

Austin finally told the fans what happened. The fans were tweeting us and asking how's the baby. That just hurt more.

I know I've had two miscarriages before but this one was different.

It was different because I wanted this baby. This baby was made with a man that I love very much.

This baby was going to be a new start, part of my new start. I was going to be different. I thought my luck was just beginning.

I thought I was going to have the baby and I'd have a great relationship with a perfect guy we'd be great.

I guess that's not going to happen for me.