make them shut up

chapter two

i wake up the next morning to see my mom sleeping in the chair in the corner. she stayed, to make sure i won't have another 'nightmare' how she calls it. but they're not nightmares. they are fights with the voices in my head when i'm sleeping. sometimes i wish it were just nightmares.. i get out of my bed and get dressed for school. mom wanted me to stop going to school because she thought if wasn't safe, but it's the only place where i can control my voices sometimes. i get downstairs as silent as i can, i don't want to wake my mom. i throw a bottel of water and my pills for the day in my backpack and leave, no need to eat. school is the place where everyone knows whats wrong with me. 'cause one day i slapped a kid and fell on the ground screaming to myself. so i had to explain what was wrong with me. the teachers found it interesting and wanted me to explain my, as they called it, illness to the entire school. and i did, i told them i had voices in my head who told me what i had to do. and that they told me lies. i told everyone that if someone insulted me the voices told me it was true. and that they would push me to hurt myself. i told them about my suicide attempts because of it. everyone showed me respect. even the bullies who always called me the weird guy tried to crack a smile at me when i passed them. people tried to understand, and that is something no one can. even some girls walked up to me after i finished, telling me they felt sorry and that i could always talk to them, that i was never on my own. i laughed at that and said that it was true. i never am alone. 'cause i always have those voices. sometimes i wish i could be alone for just an hour. "hey" i heard a sweet and familiar voice behind me. i smile and turn around to look into two beautiful green eyes. she is what keeps me alive.. "hi olivia" when i'm around olivia everything seems to be in slomotion. when she blinks, or smiles, when she looks down at the ground and then up into my eyes again, the way she talks and moves.. it makes me forget about everything, she makes the voices go away. "how are you doing today handsome?" i smile at the ground, every word she speaks is the truth. if i'm with her, i'm handsome. "i'm fine now" i kiss her cheeck and we walk through the school, to my locker, like we do every morning. "so you wasn't before?" i shake my head and sigh. "i had a fight with them again this night" she seems sad about it, it's a miracle she wants to stay with me. or maybe she's scared i will freak out or something, or maybe she just feels sorry.. "i've to go to class now sweety, i have to try to explain that i don't have my essay 'cause my little sister ruined it by spilling her drink over it" she sighs and kisses me softly before leaving. her lips left mine so fast i didn't even return her kiss. i turn around to my locker and get out the books i need for the first class. 'she doesn't love you anymore' her kiss was different today but she was in a hurry.. "shut up" i mumble and walk to class. today is going to be different, i don't know why.. that's just a strong feeling.

first class passed by and i'm at my locker again to get my books. when i open it a note falls out, i pick it up and read what it says. 'we have to talk after school, it's important, meet you at my locker, love olivia' it still says love olivia, right? it can't be that bad.. 'you're going to get dumped idiot' i'm not, she loves me, she always will, she said that, she promised.. we're just fine. i sigh and just grab my books and move to next class, i'm late, but no one is allowed to ask me why, it's a rule the principal made with the students and teachers. i sit down and open the books. on the blackboard is written what we need to make. i try to focus on it but the voices in my head start to take control again. they start to talk about the note again. 'can't you see it jacob? the weird kiss, the note, how she's acting? she doesn't love you, she never did'  -- "shut up" i mumble to myself again. "are you okay jacob?" the teacher asks and i grab my stuff and leave the class. i walk outside and throw my backpack on the ground. i grab my phone and text olivia 'i need to talk now, not later, i can't take it' i wait for her response. 'where are you now?' -- 'outside' i wait for her to come outside and sit down against the tree at the schoolyard. i close my eyes and wait for her voice to start talking. i take the note out of my pocket and hold it tight. "hi" my eyes look up to her. i put up my arm and raise her the note, she takes it and nods. then sits down next to me and sighs. "jacob, it's hard for me like this" that doesn't sounds good. 'see, she's going to dump you' i let out the breath i was holding when she continues. "but i'm not giving up on you, i want you to get help, not just medication" see, she's not going to leave me. "olivia, i told you before, i don't want any help, it doesn't matter what they do or say, it's not working" i told her that so many times, but i start to question myself if i really shouldn't get help. as i look over to olivia i see she is hugging herself tight against the cold wind. she holds the edged of her sweater tight in her tiny hands, it's not only because of the cold. the takes in a deep breath and when she lets it out it sound shacky. "please" she says, her voice cracked and her eyes start to water. "i care about you so much, and i'm afraid jacob" she tries to hold back her tears.