Listen Before You Speak

Chapter 7

This chapter is dedicated to Bubbles, our little pet rat who died of liver failure two months ago. Still miss her so very much... Love you little one!

The battery on my phone has long since died, and beside that the rain has started falling, and I had no idea where I was. I know I was somewhere in an orchid. I have no idea how I got here, but I have this crazy idea that without knowing I was looking for the hill where Blake had brought me the night of the motorcycle ride. All I know for certain is that I am lost and hungry and that it is dark and raining. That, and I know there is like a hundred messages on my phone that I have ignored and now my battery died so I can't even read them.

"And it's not even apple season," I sigh as I keep on walking, not sure which way to go or which direction I should take. From here on the ground everything just kind of looks the same generally. Especially if you are stuck in an apple orchid somewhere out of town with trees making sure you can't see the Southern Cross. Not that I would probably be able to find it up in the night sky while clouds are blocking it out, but still.

I know that moss grows on trees and it's supposed to tell you which way is North; or is that South? But then I don't even know if the town was on the North or the South side of me. For all I know it could be in the West or East.

I can't help it. I can feel the tears stinging. I know I will have to find some place to sleep tonight. I can't get much further while it's dark and raining. I have no idea where I am, and no way to contact anybody for help. All I have is my school bag with a bunch of books, and no way to even turn that into a quick blazing fire that will either curl up and disappear instantly, or just die from the rain falling through the leaves of the trees.

Gawd! How stupid could I be? Why didn't I just go back and see Blake at the tree behind the school and ask him up front what his issue is? Why didn't I just tell him what on earth Alice said to me in that empty classroom so that I could listen to either a real truth or a well-covered lie? I could have done everything differently, and no matter what the outcome, I would've now been in my bed, warm and comfortable. Maybe eating a pizza or some of the left-over macaroni and cheese from last night. I could have been singing to My Chemical Romance without anybody hearing my voice over the loud sound. Even dad could have been kept out of my room if I remembered to lock my door before I went to sleep. Yes, if only I wasn't this damn stupid.

I sat down against the nearest tree. I could feel the roughness of it even through my hoodie and I shuddered. Outside was not the right place to be for me, but still I found the side of the tree that was almost dry and there I curled myself up before allowing myself to search for my journal in my bag. Like every single time before I open my journal I slowly feel over the cover where I have carved the words "Emotional Amnesia" in block letters with an old blade. Wishing I had remembered to stop at home and get a blade to cut myself with I open up the journal. Getting ready to make an entry. Maybe just one of many to come, but maybe something would happen here and I would never be found, making it possibly my very last entry ever. I had to make this one count. It can't just be another poem. It has to be something deeper. Something that people can remember me by.

After searching for a pen I begin writing in the almost non-existing light.

Dear Cruel World, (yes, I know that is cliché)

Where do I even begin with what is going on in my life?

I'm broken. Just broken. And I don't think that I will ever be fixed ever again. No Blake, not even you can work that kind of miracle. Not even you can draw out the evil I have seen in my life. It is mine to live with forever.