Isn't it mystifying how simple-minded small talk transformed my soul, in ways I haven't fully grasped yet? I was roaming parched in a desert of self-hate and despair, I dreamt of having even a taste of the cool refreshing mineral water that you were. You were perfect in my eyes, you were leagues away from me and there was a kind of sobering comfort in knowing I could never be worth your while. I would never be capable of reaching you, feeling your lukewarm water trickle down my throat, filling my body with a sense of everlasting worthiness and a state of mental heaven. I was learning to accept rock bottom, I was worthless scum at the bottom of a moldy barrel and I knew I could fall no deeper from where I was, that was the idea that kept me alive, it drew stale air into my lungs when I was drowning in my thoughts. But when you reached out to me, you stealthily burrowed your way into my heart while simultaneously keeping an immense distance from me.
By the time my brain had begun to process the recent events... it was as if my life was a snow globe untouched in years, and you gripped it in your god-like hands and shook my sense of reality into a million little pieces. Maybe you don't understand how hard it was to believe that I had sparked your interest in the smallest way. But I'm honest when I say I lay awake at night, repeating the facts over and over, telling myself they are true. My brain rejected the idea again and again. After many days of reassurance that it was not a big ploy to exploit me as the worthless scum I am, I slowly came to terms with the situation. All the time I spent wallowing and sulking, wishing I could touch your perfect face with my filthy, putrid hands, you saw things from a different angle entirely. You saw me as an equal. I was your equal. I woke up every morning after that day, smiling at the sunshine, eternally grateful that God had given me the promise of you. My entire perspective was thereafter affected. For the first time since those young and innocent days, I saw myself as... pretty. Does it make me egotistical would you say, that you were seamlessly perfect in my eyes ever since I discovered that you liked me? Any little flaw I ever saw in you, was erased, leaving a dream come true of my very own, sent from heaven; you. I romanticized you to the point of delusion. Surely you must have understood the commitment you were making when you said you liked me. Because as foolish as it was of me, I trusted you to see me the way I see you. To be my knight in shining armor, my glorious Prince Charming coming to save me from the treacherous point of no return that I had been inching closer and closer to, every second of every day.
Days went by.
Months went by.
I still had faith that you were coming to save me.
I waited.
And waited.
And waited....
You were the closest thing I had to hope, so I clutched you so close to my heart, even after all this time. You were going to save me.
I thought you were going to save me.
You didn't save me.
You forgot about me.
You chose a more charming and beautiful girl to save, though I was skeptical that she didn't need saving at all.
She already had everything and you wanted her. You wanted her to show everybody how glorious you can be.
You forgot about me.
And now I'm sitting alone in the dark, quiet night, thinking oh lord what have I done wrong. You gave me a blessing and snatched it away. I started to fall down the bad road again.
Now,
I'm once again a scum at the bottom of a moldy barrel. A lonely soul slumped at rock bottom. And when anyone asks me why I'm sulking over a boy I barely ever talked to,
I tell them that he said he liked me then forgot about me. But they just grimace in disgust, labeling me as an overly-sensitive lunatic. But I know that I am justified to blame him for hurting me, yet I doubt he has the slightest clue that he's had such an impact on me. Because he didn't know how badly I needed to be saved... he had no idea what he was getting himself into... even he couldn't mend such a fractured and damaged soul. I doubt any one can.
I'm not dwelling on him anymore, though.
I am still lying on the cold hard ground where he left me.
And I am only beginning to crawl my
way out of this self-made hell.
But you know what I've been thinking about lately?
Not him.
And if that's not a step in the right direction, then I don't know what is.
