Letters To Augustus....

Good and Bad news.

"My Dear Augustus,

        I have good and bad news. but before i tell you what they are i should explain last night.  I was rushed to the E.R, i couldn't breathe at all, i could barely move, everything was slowly disappearing right before my eyes. I thought it was just the depression again, so i told them not to rush. After an hour, i still couldn't breathe even with my tank. My mother ended up bothering one of the nurses to get a doctor to see me. They also thought it was depression too, but they still put me in the PET scan, since i was suppose to get one today.

    The good news is i will soon be with you again, i will soon be able to hug you again, we'll be able to have our infinity again! I will be able to have my love back, and you get me back like how it's suppose to be. It's not possible? I'm alive and you are gone...Alas, I'm Dying again....I lit up completely.. they told me i'm dying..... My treatment has completely quit working, they say i have 6 more months, or less! Isn't that amazing? Well it's amazing for us... But no one understands how i am so miserable here alone, how i can't live a day without crying or thinking of you... I will admit though, there was a couple of times....well more than a couple, where i thought about ending it myself.... But i figured it would be easier to have the cancer just finish me off. I don't want my parents to find me dead in my room. I really don't want anyone knowing how i feel...Only you, only in these letters... I hope you are able to read these i really do... I hope that in this fucked up world, i mean universe you can still read these. I Need you to be able to understand this... I need you..

    Oh yeah that's right i also have bad news..... They want to keep us apart clearly, they say there's a new treatment.. It's more intense then phalanxifor.. They said of course it's my choice.. I started crying when they told me because i know that my parents want me to, everyone wants me to but me. You probably also want me to. I just don't wanna go through treatment again, i don't want the chance of getting better, i am miserable here.. i do not want to be here any more. I'd rather be dead... I rather be a ghost even. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS WITHOUT YOU ANYMORE!!!!!

      I swear i can hear you talk to me sometimes... I can also feel you, when i'm alone crying or when i'm alone dying inside i feel you hug me.. I swear... You also talk to me sometimes... Am i crazy??? Or am i that desperate to be with you once more? I don't know... OHHH They put me on anti-depressants also...FUN! Not...It doesn't help really, it just makes me feel more numb then i already am... I don't wanna live like this anymore... The cancer better kill me soon.... I'm sorry, you don't need to hear that, wherever you are i hope you miss me, i hope you still love me.... I hope...I just Hope.

Gus, i hope i see you soon, i don't know how much of this i can take...

P.S next time i write i'll talk about how Isaac is doing.

~Till we meet again, Hazel Grace Lancaster