Candy Girl

just me and my makeup

Amaarae - SAD GIRLZ LOVE MONEY

"just me and my makeup"

Chapter Nine

Serenity

Sometimes, I feel like a kid. Really, It feels like when you first start driving, when you don't  even know what the lever next to the steering wheel does. You don't how, but you're driving. You have no control, but it's rolling. You don't understand the adult world, but in a way you can read through the lines. You're a kid, not a baby. You notice things, you're not stupid. I hate that feeling, it's nauseating. So, I drink half bottle of Moët.

I need to kill it.

"Serenity," Mia calls me out. "Let's do shots."

I hate feeling.

"Shots? Dude, give me that." I say as I snap the bottle from her hands. I take the cap off and pour it down my throat. The countdown reaches to 20 seconds. People are cheering. I'm a fucking God. Their phones are recording. Everyone fucking loves me. I'm in everyone's instagram story. I'm a fucking teen idol. Everyone wants to be friends with me.

Someone's talking to me, but I can't hear it. Or want to. Lol.

I once told Jessie Holmes, former ex-fifth-grader-best-friend I dreamt of dying. She told mommy and I was never allowed to hang out with her again. I still dream of it though. It feels like standing on top of a really tall building, close to the edge, your hands tingle without even looking down. And then, it stops. You feel like nothing. You don't feel the emptiness, the anger, the happiness or the anxiety. You just lay there. Like when you get so fucked up, you just disconnect yourself.

I love that.

I run towards the stereo, I turn the volume all the way until it blasts through the speakers. God, I love that song. It's old, but if I dance it, everyone does. You see, I lead and they follow. I take Mia's blunt and breath in. I glance at her, she looks like shit. She burst into laughter, so do I.

I wanna go to the beach, I love the sound of the ocean. I walk towards it, I like the feeling of my feet upon the sand. The water reaches my ankles, I take a step forward. The water is up to my knees, I take another step. I feel the water raising. It's cold, my clothes are heavy. It's hard to move. The water reaches my belly. I want to walk 'till I'm underwater. My hands tingle.

"Get her hair," I hear a voice say. That piles up with another one, and another one. Like an endless loop. "You'll feel much better once you throw up, honey." "Let's go lay in bed."

The music cuts abruptly and the room goes completely black. Where am I?

Oh, I did it. I disconnected.

"Fuck, you're hot."

No, I didn't.

"G-ghet the fuck off mah," I warn him as I try to stood up.

"Shhh, it's okay."

"Iht-it's nawt," I shout, "G-ghet off!"

"I got that message from your phone. I wanna have fun too."

"Whayt fucking mess-aghe? I can bear-barely talk." I push him once again. Light burst into the room, my eyes squint. There's a lot of mouvement. I open my eyes. I need to puke again. "Are you okay?" I hear a voice say. I'm about to say something, but I'm cut off, I literally puke my gut out.

Fuck, I'm awake.

"Get me some water," I beg. Whoever it is hands me a glass, I take it all in and start puking again.