Being A Living Dead Girl

Family

Chapter 4

Family

In the dictionary Family is defined as a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household. Though this may be true I believe more in the quote that says dna does't make a family love does.

While Lucas is going through with the plan at the library, I've decided to see my immediate family today. Lately I've been avoiding them like the black plague, saying goodbye to anyone you consider family is hard let alone it being the last time. Just try and imagine having to say goodbye but them not hearing or seeing you. Your presence is completely non-existent to them....you're already gone to them.

As I walk on the neighborhood sidewalk I look around as if I am saying goodbye to everything forever. Thinking like this brings tears to my eyes and I have to shake my head as well as take deep breaths to keep myself from crying.

Lets just say this is severely heartbreaking for me. Seeing life continue on without me isn't exactly comforting in fact it makes me see how little my life actually matters in the bigger scheme of all things. Yes I do realize that I did touch a few people's lives but I wish I would have went out more, visited more place and meant more new people but I guess it's a little late to think like that now.

For example I should have spent more time getting to know the crazy cat lady of our block, Mrs. Flowers. Mrs. Flowers ironically was always seen outside taking care of her magnificent flower garden. She went a little cat crazy after her husband got sick and even more so when he passed away. With the end number of cats being 26 in total.

Or grumpy old Mr. Daniels. Mr. Daniels was the classic old guy yelling at kids to get off his lawn. Shaking his fist wildly as the little kids fled in fear and the teens just laughed at his crazy antics. I always had my own little suspicion that he had a sweet spot for Mrs. Flowers. I always caught him in his rocking chair staring at her as she took care of her flowers or feed her enormous amount of cats. Whenever I did he would just glare at me then look at the sky like that was what he was looking at the entire time.

I finally make it to my house, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath I brace myself for what is to come. I take my last few steps up to the screen door opening it slowly I step inside though to anybody in the house they would just think that the wind opened and shut the door. It does that on occasion, as I step through the threshold I look up and see Jordan sitting on the couch staring at some pictures.

Slowly I walk towards Jordan as if I could have walked too fast that she would hear me and scatter like a scared animal. As I got closer and closer I realized it was the picture of Jordan and I grinning like a couple to kooks while side hugging each other right after we went tubing our life vests still on and all. 

That day was amazing, It was just the right kind of warm you know......although we did get a nasty sunburn at that time we could care less. There was no fighting, no yelling, no anything we just had fun and held on for dear life as Jocelyn's brother drove the jet sky around the lake with the tube attached at the back.

Smiling I looked over at Jordan just to see a waterfall of tears streaming down her face. Angrily grunting she threw the picture to the other side of the couch and kind of just curled in on herself letting out a few cries here and there. Tearing up I walk away from the scene that is unfolding in front of me maybe it wasn't a good idea to come back here.

I head upstairs to Tommy's room third door to the left. Tommy sits with the door cracked open, cross legged on the floor with his tongue sticking out in concentration for his game. Its a racing game I use to play with him, Need For Speed I believe. That is what I always admired about Tommy was his dedication to games.

As well as the fact that if anything happened good or bad here he would be taking out his emotions on that poor, poor controller. He crashes into the virtual wall on purpose I look at him confused its not like Tommy to willingly lose. "There you go Jessie, you will always be the high score." He whispers while changing the game to King Kong.

Tears threaten to fall again I have one more destination but I honestly don't know if I can stomach it. Final destination on this horrific heartbreaking gut wrenching trip is....my room. As I walk the very short distance to my room which consists of one door. I realize both of my parents are in the room going through things. My mother is sitting on my bed with my favorite band shirt (skillet) in her hands shoved up to her nose I'm guessing not wanting to forget what I smelt like. My Dad is in the closet, shuffling my clothes around.

"Do we really have to do this right now Marcus?" My mom said looking at my dad as he turned around at the sound of her voice.

"I know its hard Constance.....but we have to pick something out for her funeral." My dad said slowly walking over and plopping on the bed. Putting an arm around her shoulders he ran his hands up and down them comfortingly.

"I know........I know." She sighed hiccuping in the middle.

"Come on sweetie a dress or a band shirt with skinny jeans?" My dad questioned getting up and going back to my closet.

"Band shirt with skinny jeans." They both said at the same time laughing a little and smiling sadly at each other.

I can't take this anymore it just hurts too much I think as I run down the stairs and out the door. "God WHY?!?!? Seriously WHY?!?!? WHY am I still here?!?!?" I shout at the sky falling to my knees sobbing. "I can't do it anymore.....I can't..... I just can't. It hurts too much" whispering the last part as I grab at my chest trying but failing to make the pain go away.

After about 20 minutes of just emptying out my soul through tears and screaming there on the sidewalk not caring it isn't like anybody can see or hear me anyway. I stand up and head for Lucas's house where we agreed should be the place we "regroup" I have to find a way to get away from here all of this is just too painful and I don't know how long I can take it. I never want to leave the people I care about but I can't sit here and watch the way I'm hurting them.