FEMALE walks onstage with her clothes ruffled and her hair tousled. She walks like she is in pain. Stopping at center stage, she touches the top of her head, cringes, and shakes her head.
Female: I am NEVER having kids!! Do you hear me? Kids are the reason why high blood pressure and nervous system problems were discovered. They are bad for your health. Bad! How do I know? Because in just 9 hours, my poor life has been scarred, threatened, and vastly poisoned by the evil that is my sister’s two children.
I took off work this week, because I needed a break. By the time Saturday rolled around, I was almost ready to go back to work. My sister calls me and asks if I could babysit my darling niece and nephew while she took a last minute business trip to Chicago. Sure, I said. Why not?
After 10 minutes of being at my sister’s home, I realized what a huge mistake I had made by agreeing to watch them.
Carter, my nephew, tells me he is potty trained. Great, I think. All two year olds should be, right? I go in the restroom to check on him after 5 minutes, and he has taken the liberty of decorating the walls with his own personal… I’ll just say it. Shit!!!! He shitted on the floor, and proceeded to wipe it all over the place. A regular old Picasso!! Not only did I spend an hour and a half disrespecting my nasal pathways to clean it up, but I spent the NEXT THREE hours cleaning the kitchen, in which he and his five year old sister Cady decide to “Make me lunch” with every single item stored in the refrigerator! There was juice, milk, jelly, and eggshells everywhere!! Everywhere!!!
I scolded them until no tomorrow, fixed them a snack, and locked them in the toy room. Still trying to have a heart, right?! I figured what can possibly go wrong if they’re secluded in one room filled with toys? Oh I know, EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING CAN GO WRONG.
I walk down the hall to complete silence. The toy room is open. All of a sudden I hear from above me “This is war, Auntie Grace!” Before I can look up to the balcony, a huge plastic pail hits me in the head and I fall over. The next thing I know, those two DEMONS are throwing every toy that Mattel has every created at my head! And they aren’t missing. After thirty minutes of hiding in the closet, I grab a belt from my sister’s room and charge upstairs. When I found those kids, I beat them until there was no tomorrow.
Well, for 10 minutes and then I got tired.
They cried themselves to sleep and I spent the rest of the evening cleaning up the broken items thrown from the balcony that tore through both me and the house.
Tomorrow I’m calling a physician and a gynecologist. After I rid my body of these bruises and knots, I’m getting my tubes tied.
