Okay. I get that not everyone knows the ana terms in this..
SW: Start weight.
UGW: ultimate goal weight
GW: Goal weight.
CW: Current Weight
Thinspo/thinspiration: Pictures of thin models or others with eating disorders to inspire people with anorexia, or inspirational quotes.
Not sure if theres anything else you won't get :)
Note: Please don't read this if you think it could trigger you.
Perching on the edge of the memorial bench on the riverbank, Julia watched the rough water lick at the frosty slopes. The wind was bitter cold as winter steadily approached, browning leaves cascading from the tree tops. Though the cold snapped at her exposed skin, she refused to let it beat her. She was stronger than that.
Tears streamed down her red face, her teeth gritted. Her wrists were red raw and covered with the snap marks of the elastic band she wore around her wrist. Her fingernails were tinged red, with the blood and the skin caught beneath them, the back of her wrists branded with scratch marks. Her face was burning in the biting autumn air. Though her heart raced, she steadied her breathing and rubbed her wrists. The pain was relieving; motivating. After a few more minutes in the calming cold, she pulled down her sleeves, picked up her school bag and tossed it over her shoulder, before turning to scale the hill back to the school playfield; lunch, by now, had to be over.
Reaching the school gates, she tested her hands against her face as a way of judging her appearance; she couldn’t face the mirrors. The playground was empty of all students, allowing Julia a safe passage - there would be no piercing stares or sniggers today. The corridors calming, Julia made her way to her classroom, slipping in through the few final late students.
The rest of the day passed in a blur. Looking around the classroom, Julia caught four different people looking at her, all at the same time; a new record. Tapping her feet as fast as her legs would allow her, she counted each ten in her head, tallying up the hundreds on her hands. The information washed over her head in a blur as she recited the same thinspo quote in her mind; Eat to live; not live to eat.
Walking home, the battling weather ripped at her limbs, the fallen temperatures toying with her extremities, though she walked stealthily past the bus stop. Bitter cold motivated her stubborn temperament; besides - the cold burns calories as you tru to warm up.
Zero.
Empty.
Perfect.
An empty house greeted her when she arrived, presenting her with the perfect opportunity...
7000 star jumps burns 1lb.
1 hour of yoga burns 161.
Soon, her parents would be home, asking how her day was, checking what she'd had for lunch, fattening her up like a pot-bellied pig ready for slaughter. No matter how much the kitchen haunted her, she had to go in. Downing two full glasses of ice cold water - which her body would now have to heat up - she waited for the microwave and squirted a large dollop of ketchup onto her plate, and smeared it around. Her microwave meal cooked, she spooned it out onto her plate smearing the juices around. Any minute now, they'd be home.
That pile of fat scared her in a way nothing else could. Though her stomach yearned for it, pleading with an unmistakable groan, and her muscles screamed for it, forcing themselves to keep moving with an empty tank. Her jutting bones screamed out for it as she emptied the plate into the dogs bowl - leaving just a few pieces of cut up food as proof. Standing with perfect posture and tapping her foot, she watched as Ben, her black laborador gorged on the evil. When she was satisfied, she positioned her evidence on the work surface in the kitchen alonside some dirty cutlery, and washed away the truth from the dog's bowl.
Another glass of iced water, just for good measure.
The sound of her fathers car turning into the driveway had her scaling the stairs. She didn't want to answer any questions, though she was a perfectly good liar with plenty of practice.
Standing naked under the blasts of cold water, she clenched her fists against the biting cold. They fit perfectly under the curves of her ribs as she traced the outline of her thigh-gap, the curve of her hip bones and the strength of her collarbone. Nearly perfect. Just a few more pounds to her goal weight.
Nearly.
Wincing, she let the blade of the razor nick her skin, releasing the voices inside her head that told her to eat. Releasing the evil, her sins of eating. The pain was almost instantly overridden by an overwhelming sense of relief. Her blood mixed with the scalding-cold water as it struggled down the drain, blocked by her coarse hair. This new cut followed the same pattern as the others. 'X's, in between her hip bones, on the inside of her thighs. Exactly where they'd never be found.
Crosses, to remind her that she needed nothing to reach perfection.
Crosses to remind her that empty was beautiful.
Curling up in bed, a weak smile was all that she was capable of to express her elation.
Perfect zero.
***
Euphoria filled her body as she traced her ribs down to her hips, down to her thighs, along her collarbones and across the zig-zags of her back.
SW: 110
GW1: 105
GW2: 99
GW3: 90
GW4: 86
GW5:80
UGW: 75
CW: 75lb.
It was some months later when, light as a feather drifting into perfection, Julia knew her body was perfect. Not an ounce of fat, as she floated up to heaven.
