Modicum

Prologue

"In the crowd, I see you with someone else. I brace myself 'cause I know it's going to hurt, but I like to think at least things can't get any worse."

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She looked around the coffee shop, idly wondering what the best excuse was to avoid the pending ‘talk.’ Velia knew this was coming, had been anticipating it for weeks. It wasn’t because she didn’t love Alex anymore – nobody knew more than her how impossible that was – but because he had been pulling away, and each night they didn’t see each other was another night her friend Affy saw him out with another girl.

Alex tapped his fingers against the blue table, a sign he was nervous. Velia inconspicuously glanced down and saw him tapping his feet.

She took a sip of her Americano, looking around the Blue Café. They both worked at the coffee shop, having been the first people to apply for a job when the place first opened. Velia wondered which of them would quit after the break-up. Surely, only one had to stay.

She picked at the fraying quilt draped over her cushioned armchair, humming to herself. Alex kept running his fingers through his dark hair, his jaw clenching and unclenching. His long fingers, used to playing the guitar, twitched and moved around the air as if he was practicing a song.

“Velia, we need to talk,” he said finally, reaching out to touch her hand lightly.

“I have something to say too, actually,” she lied, just to seem casual. She let him take her hand, his thumb rubbing patterns on her skin.

He raised his eyebrows. “Do you want to go first?”

Too polite. He’d usually bulldoze over what I had to say, she mused, then shook her head. “You go first.”

He wiped a hand over his face and breathed deeply. “This isn’t going to be easy to say,” he said, dropping her hand.

Velia raised both hands, as if in surrender, and said, “Just come right out and say it.”

She stared at him impassively, trying to remember what it was about him that she found appealing back in high school. She supposed it was the fact that he was the new guy, and she always had a fascination with new things. Girls swooned over him, but when they got paired as lab partners, Velia thought how lucky she was that of all people, she was getting to know the guy.

He sighed, and then the words came tumbling out. “Things aren’t the same between us,” he said, meeting her gaze. “It-it’s not y-you,” he said quickly. Damn right it isn’t, she thought darkly.

For weeks, she refused to believe her best friend, thought of excuses why he would be out with another girl. Or why he would be kissing another girl. Or be seen leaving another girl’s apartment in the mornings (Affy always saw him trying to leave discreetly during her morning jogs).

How could he, after all? He was a good boyfriend – not the best, but they never fought, never had complications. While the rest of their friends broke up and found other people, they were always together. Velia thought she’d been doing everything right, refused to let Affy’s news cloud her judgment, but now here it was, come back to spite her.

“What’s not the same?” she asked.

He looked out the window, watching the people pass by. Velia thought of taking a bite of the blue velvet cupcake, but the occasion hardly called for a pastry. Maybe later, when I’m binge watching Netflix and drowning in Ben and Jerry’s, she thought.

He expelled his breath and said, “This isn’t working out anymore.”

“But it is,” she insisted, because she knew it was. “We’re fine, aren’t we?”

Alex glanced at her briefly before his fingers started twitching again. “We’re not,” he answered, licking his lips. “I… I’m moving.”

She didn’t anticipate this. She prepped herself to hear the I-cheated-I’m-sorry-I-won’t-do-it-again speech, which would later move on to I-feel-too-guilty-and-I-don’t-deserve-you-because you-deserve-someone-better speech. Alex was many things, but she didn’t think he’d lie up to the very end.

“You are?” she asked in disbelief.

He nodded quickly, looking into her eyes. “To Anaheim.”

“Really.” 

He seemed confused by her reaction, but said yes. “You know UCLA was offering me a grant—“

“But I thought we made the mutual decision to move here, so we can be near each other?” she asked, hating how her voice cracked a little. UCLA isn't even in Anaheim.

“We are,” he said, frustration lacing his voice. “But are we really still close?”

“Yes,” she said bluntly. “Just two nights ago we were—“

“But most of the time, are we really close?”

Velia knew she was being stubborn, not allowing him to make his point, but she found herself wanting to salvage the relationship. “Yes.”

“Velia, I’m cheating on you.”

He said it so fast, so calmly, that it finally got around to her. She had known for a while, so why were tears starting to pool in her eyes? “You’re lying,” she said thickly, feeling her throat start to close up. She had never been much of a crier, but her suppressed emotions were coming to the surface. “You wouldn’t cheat on me.”

She looked away from him, fixed her gaze on the ceiling, willing her tears to move back. Don’t cry.

“I did,” he said quietly. “And I can’t keep doing this to you. You deserve better than me.”

And there it was.

She wiped her tears away, furiously rubbing them with the sleeve of her hoodie. Alex was looking at her cautiously, trying to gauge what she was going to say next. He looked sorry, but not for the things he’d done, rather sorry for her. Velia couldn’t bear to look at him, so she looked at her lap instead, trying to compose herself.

The only thing she could bring herself to say was, “Why?”

“I don’t think this is going… anywhere.”

“After more than a year together?” she asked incredulously. “You’re not sure about us?”

“No,” he said slowly. “I’m not sure about you.”

☀ ☀ ☀ 

a/n: hello, and welcome to the new (and improved, i think) version of modicum! :) the first one was so cluttered and disorganized that i couldn't bear leaving it posted here for everyone to see. *shudders*

so here it is, and i hope you like it :) vote and comment and stuff because i will love you forever if you do <3 

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

janie