Home

Running

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a cloud. Like my mind is spinning. As if someone took a fork and started twirling it in my memories. I remember bits and pieces at a time, and only for a quick moment each. Flashes appear before my eyes like they are placed on a Ferris wheel, and I can only look straight ahead. Tunnel vision.

Memories of my first kiss. Brian Matthews. Freshman year. Me, him, and his awkward lips on mine.

Memories of riding a bike for the first time. I was 6 and a half. My dad running along-side me. His joyful laughter as he let go and I rode in a straight line without toppling over.

Memories of Ellie's birth, and my parents handing me the keys to my first car. Ellie giving me a birthday card with an adorable grin plastered across her face. My parent's smiles as they took pictures of me before 8th grade graduation just weeks before the accident and telling Ellie stories I made up so she would go to sleep.

Panting, I sat straight up in bed with a thick layer of sweat covering my body. The shock of reality hit me so hard I crumpled to the ground. I don't know how long I sobbed for, but by the time I tore my face from my hands my alarm clock blinked 4 am in a piercing red color.

Slowly, I picked myself up from my floor and walked to my dresser. After picking out some workout clothes, I unhooked my iPhone from its charger, grabbed some earbuds, and took out my brightly colored Nike's from their spot underneath the sink.

Fifteen minutes later, I had on a high ponytail and a sports bra, and was sprinting down the hill on my street.

Me and Ellie used to go sledding down this hill in the winter when we were younger.

I ran harder. My breaths came out it short, quick releases of air. My shoes pounded against the pavement, and Finale by Madeon blasted into my ears.

The Moon Trail used to be one of my favorites. It wraps around Moonlight Lake through forest and fields, creating a peaceful atmosphere to indulge in. I used to run it every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

It's a nice lake. The kind that families picnic at in the summer and little boys go fishing with their fathers at in the spring. My feet crush some dead leaves as I round the bend.

One summer, I volunteered for a summer camp for kids ages 4 to 10 here. That was the summer my parents car was wrapped around a tree. I remember that day clearly. As if it was yesterday even. I had just gotten back from picking up Ellie from school, and I got a call from the police station. The phone dropped from my hand and crashed to the floor when they gave me the news.

I didn't think I would have to cook again. We received so many guilt-meals-lasagna, beef stroganoff, spaghetti, brownies, apple pies, someone even gave us a bucket of potato salad. Took us a month to finish that one off.

Ellie made me promise that nothing would ever happen to us. That we would grow up and stay sisters forever.

I stopped. My hands gripped the bench in front of me so hard they turned white. I pulled my headphones roughly from my ears. Breathe - you have to fight through the pain, the aching, the longing.

That's when it started to rain.

The rain poured constantly, and within a matter of minutes my clothes and hair were drenched.

But it feels good.

It reminds me I am still living.

"Hey."

I looked up, startled by the voice. "Elliot." I said my voice cracking.

His eyes shined with empathy, but for some odd reason I didn't want to scream at him. "What's up."

"What are you doing here, Elliot?"

"Jogging." He gestured vaguely to his running gear which was now soaked.

"Oh. I just... I'm sorry never mind. I'd better go."

"What? Don't go."

I ignored his words, but turned to face him. "You know, I wonder what would everyone else's lives be like if I had died that night, too?"

"Well, you know, everyone else?" He paused, "Probably not a whole lot different, to be honest. But mine? I know we just met a few days ago, but now that I have met you, I really don't know how I could live without you. I don't know how I survived without you, Ivy." He ranted.

All of a sudden, anger surged through me, "Elliot. I'm just one person. Everyone definitely could have lived without me! Especially you! We wouldn't ever had met if it wasn't for Ellie's life being stolen. And who is to blame for that? ME! I KILLED MY SISTER!"

His eyes softened, "Hey. You know what? Maybe it was your fault. Maybe it was! But there is a TON of other reasons it can't be." He said.

"I need to go. Seriously." I turned and sprinted away, leaving a concerned raven-haired boy behind.

_

_

_

"Ivy, Darling!"

I lifted my eyes from the bed of fuchsia pansies to find who called to me. "Oh. Hi Frannie."

The middle-aged brunette wiped her sweaty hands on her jeans and chuckled, "It's nice to know somebody's happy to see me!"

"Oh Frannie, you know I didn't mean it that way! I've just been through a lot this week. The only person I ever thought was my friend probably thinks I hate him, and- and I don't know... I've just lost my way." I sighed, and in reply she crossed the barrier between our yards and knelt down beside me in the grass that needed a bit of trimming.

"Hey... Darling, everything's gonna turn out fine. And Elliot is a good boy: I always see him helping out at the old folks home and getting groceries for his mama. Give him a chance; he may just surprise you."

I smiled. I have a cool neighbor.

She slowly stood up and grinned. "Now. Want some help with those hydrangeas?"

I gave her a grateful smile and turned to look at the bright bush as she proceeded to tell me about which fertilizer this type of plant prefers.