I'm So Sorry

Chapter Thirty

Jessie

"Truth or dare."

Randy isn't looking at me.

"Dare," I answer anyways.

He sits there silently, not answering me. The air is still and the fire pops as I wait for his answer. But Randy doesn't move, doesn't seem to be doing anything. I'm surprised he doesn't have a cigarette in his mouth right now, honestly. It's a wonder.

I pull out my phone to check the time.

8:30pm

"Tell them what happened to you, Jessie." I jolt up, and look at Randy, my phone nearly falling to the ground. "Tell them what that man did to you. Tell them why you were crying in the bathroom and why you're so scared and what that phone call was about and everything. Tell them. Tell them...or I will."

I start to shake. "What the fuck are you talking about, Randy?" I hiss painfully to him. "What are you saying?"

He looks at me with an expression that's different than his usual straight face. "I'm saying I know. I know, Jessie, and I'm not going to tell them but you have to tell them, you have to tell everyone your secret."

Ben nearly stands up to say, "You better shut your fucking mouth, because you have no idea what you're talking about right now, Randy."

"Don't I?" he asks quietly. "Then how did I know about your scholarship? Or about what happened to Jessie? I know everyone's secrets here Ben, they aren't safe. Everyone's secrets...they're causing you all to implode. They're causing the tension and the pain and the suffering you're all too proud to admit you're enduring. Everyone...everyone is dying right now but you're all too fucking blind to see it. And Melody was right you guys need to admit your secrets because if not things are going to end badly. Things need to be fixed, so you need to fix them." His voice never goes about a whisper, it's pained and raw and hard to make out over the fire crackling next to us.

"Wait who is Melody?" Makayla whispers.

Ben

"You're wrong," I tell him. "She doesn't have anything to say to you."

"Just let it happen, Ben," Mason interrupts me.

"No!" I reply, getting louder.

"It's just a question, why can't we hear the answer?"

"The same reason you screamed at Sandra for asking Makayla her question!" I shout, my face growing hotter the more I yell.

"Whatever, maybe you're just afraid that secret has something to do with you! Maybe you're just a fucking pussy!" Mason shouts. It's the first time he's gotten loud since we tied him up. To think I was starting to feel sorry for that prick, starting to regret treating him like garbage? What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking, that's what it was. I know that now. That piece of shit, talking to me like this, acting like he is superior, perfect and everything like he has quietly done for years.

No. No, I'm not going to allow this.

"Do you want to start fighting me right now? Then let's go, Macho Man! Fight me!"

Shannon

"This is just a game, Ben."

"This isn't a game, this is our lives, Sandra."

"I don't care what you think it is or not, I want to hear Mason say it."

"You're delusional, Ben, you're just outright insane. Leave me the fuck alone."

"Guys stop."

"You don't even understand the ramifications of your actions, you're a fucking idiot, Mason."

"You want to say that to my face, Ben? Then do it. Tell me what you think I am, tell me what you think I don't know!"

"What do you want me to say to you, Mason? Want me to get on my knees and beg for your forgiveness? Because I'm not going to do that. You walk around here thinking you're better than everyone else, shoving your girlfriend in our faces, demanding we act one way when no one wants to follow, instead of another. You're not the boss of any of us, Mason! None of us are going to listen to what you have to say! Hell, you can't even get your own father to listen to you!"

"Jesus Christ stop it! It's like a contest and guess what? No one fucking cares, okay? Because all it is, all any of us ever do is argue, is fight, is scream at one another! People here are trying to open up to one another and try to trust the group, and all of you, l mean holy fucking shit, you all just continue to go at it!"

"Fuck off, faggot, this doesn't concern you!"

"Whoa! NOT called for, Ben!"

"Oh of course you have to defend him!"

"I'm just sticking up for Jackson, Olivia, calm your fucking tits."

"You can't tell me what to do. You're not the captain of the team, hell, you quit the team! Don't try to act like you're so innocent, Shannon."

"You're the most twisted person I've ever met in my life, Olivia."

"Fuck off the both of you, this doesn't concern any of you. It's between me and this prick, Mason! The guy who thinks he's so perfect!"

"You're such an ass, you know that, right Ben? You think you're so tough. You think you're so perfect."

"That's it! I'm done, I'm tired of this!!"

"What the fuck, Jessie calm down."

"No, fuck you, Olivia, I can't deal with any of this anymore. For weeks it's been like this, for this entire long-ass day we've been fighting, and about what? What do any of us have to fight about? I've sat here, keeping my mouth shut while the rest of you fight like complete idiots, and watched you all tear each other down. How is this a friendship? How are we supposed to be friends when this is how we treat one another?"

I sit there and I look at each of my friends. This is not how tonight was supposed to be. This is not how we were supposed to play the game. This isn't right. None of this is right. How did we get here? I can't keep straight who is saying what. I don't know what is happening. How did I get blood on my face, why is my nose bleeding? And why, why do I wanna cry right now, telling them all everything?

"You all have been acting like children and fighting about your problems this entire time, thinking you're all so clever when really you're all just stupid."

"Gee, thanks, Randy."

"Shut up, Sandra, I'm not finished yet. You're all so blind to each other's problems and secrets because you're stuck worrying about your own. Maybe try that for once. Worry about someone that isn't yourself."

"I don't want to...but I need to tell all of you something. Something that scares me, something that happened that I'm afraid to talk about. But I'm afraid of what will happen if I do."

"You can trust me."

"And me. Are you sure you want to do this?"

"No, Ben, I'm not sure."

"You know you can tell us anything, Jessie."

"If I tell all of you, there's no going back. We can't go back on the past once we move forward in the present."

"Jessie, trust me. We're here for you. We're going to get through this, I promise you."

"Okay."