Phone Calls From My Dead Boyfriend.? (chptr. 1)

I was standing at the window in the kitchen; everyone was in Brenda’s living room. Brenda was a good friend of mine and she had invited me to her New Years Eve party.  So anyway, I was standing in the kitchen sipping hot chocolate smiling uncontrollably at the memories in my head of what had happened only moments ago. I was so mesmerized by the snow falling I didn’t even hear the footsteps behind me.

-          2 months later-

My heaven, a cool winter day. When the snow is all soft and sparkly, where all you need is a sweat shirt and jeans. It’s a Monday, yeah Mondays suck but I love them. After a long weekend of parties, you get in some comfy clothes and head off to school.

                Yeah, in my dreams. These days I can’t even dream without images popping into my head. The sounds, the flashes of light, the sound of metal against cement. I just can’t get that night out of my head. What’s even worse, every morning I wake up to a hospital room. These cold walls stand as constant reminders of that night. I can’t escape the reminders of my boyfriend being gone and my friends in the hospital. We all have those moments when we wish we could go back in time and change everything, only this would change lives, this would bring the missing pieces back to my all too empty being.

                For once in my life I have only one wish, to wake up from this terrible dream, only one problem my deepest fears and scariest nightmares have now become a reality and there’s no way to escape the pain around me.

                Alise, so far, is the only one who could possibly understand the pain I feel. We’ve been together through what we thought were the hardest times and the hardest laughs of our lives. I’ve known her since 4th grade. We are each other’s crutch. Always there and ready for when we fall.  But what happens when you’re crutch is broken, when she’s lying in a hospital bed next to me. What happens when she needs me as a crutch, but I can’t help her and I can’t be there even though I’m three feet away? I can’t help but wonder if the same things go through her mind every morning when she wakes up.

                The only good thing about my day so far is that the hospital let me and Alise stay in the same room. So we now have each other to talk to, cry with, and keep company. Though I’m sure we’d have enough company, with all the kids from school visiting us. Our room is full of get well soon balloons, we’re sorry for your loss (mostly referring to me) cards and people.

                I’m awake, I have been for an hour. Its 8:00 a.m. Any other normal day I’d be running for my class right now, trying to make it before the bell, and starting another day of my junior year of high school.

                I sit up in my bed, and cringe at the pain that shoots up my back, this is why I have pain killers. I see them sitting on the table next to my bed with a glass of water. I reach out trying not to move my back at all and take the pills. The nurse walks in right on cue.

                “Take your medicine?”

                “*sigh* yes.”

                “How’s it feeling today? Any better?”

                “A little, hurts, but I’m fine. Can I get up and move yet?”

                “Not unless you want to wear the back brace. Remember we tried this yesterday?”

                That back brace was the ugliest, most uncomfortable (it pinched at my hip) thing in the world!

                “Cant we try without it? Pleeeeease?”

                “nope. Kate, you can’t, you’ll hurt yourself even more.”

                “ugh, well f*** this then.”

                I hate being taken care of, asked how I’m doing, having to be very carefully transported everywhere. I hate eating here, sleeping here, being left with the memories of my friends screaming. I hate everything, and just can’t take this anymore.

                I sit up in my bed as the nurse watches in disapproval; a pain climbs up my back starting about 2 inches above my tail bone. Oh yeah, I fractured two disks in my back and have a few bruised ribs, it could have been worse though, I could be dead too. I carefully swivel around so my legs are dangling off the bed, only inches above the cold tile floor. The doctor is at the door now watching me with a serious/concerned/disapproving look on his face.

                I scoot a little so that my bare feet touch the ground I put a little pressure on my right foot. My back pain is even sharper but I have to stand up! Damn it.

                I slowly push myself off the bed, and stand, I’m in the most pain I’ve ever felt in my life. It feels good to stand but, feels like I’m being rolled over by a steam roller. I take a step and collapse backwards onto my bed. MY back cracks a little and I scream. Mostly out of frustration. The nurse and doctor rush over. My back is throbbing, yelling at me to stop, to let it heal. Just like my heart, except eventually my back will heal.

                “DAMNIT! Go ahead and say it, ‘I told you sooo’. I don’t care. Why can’t you fix me already. Surgery, anything!” The doctors ever so carefully rotate me around and put me back in place in my bed where I’ve been for the past 3 days.

                “We can’t perform surgery, you have to rest it.”

                “UGH!”

                The doctors talk a little and whisper behind papers. Alise rolls over and looks at me. She smiles, trying so hard to be here for me even though she knows the amount of pain I’m in. She does this every morning. Tries to get me to look at the bright side, but in my world, there isn’t one. She knows what I tried to do, she knows how it ended, she just knows. Alise had to have surgery to get a piece of glass out of her head. She also had to have multiple stitches, and since she had a head injury she has to stay here with me. She’s just like me, hates this, and wants to go home already.

                The door knob turns for the second time like it does every morning. The doctors know his name now, and I am beyond sick of seeing his face.