I loved the Pain. In hindsight maybe that's not where I needed it. Ryan wasn't strong enough to deal with the Pain. I would always be the one to take care of things. I would expect failure due to the past, but Ryan would smile at the thought of my prevailing. But long before I was hurt inevitably, I'd send the Pain straight to my heart. I would choke on the pulses it sent to my emotions that made me numb. Ryan used to chase me away while he was hurting. When I'd push to stay, he'd cry about that fact until I left. He was hurt long before me. He'd send the Pain Below. He was suffocating in the Pain.. When I saw him, I couldn't feely chest. The Pain that had built up had exploded because I just couldn't save him..
Ryan always wanted me to write a book. He liked how I wrote, how I used music to inspire my writing. I'll start by saying that Send the Pain Below was the first Chevelle song that Ryan had ever heard. It was his favorite since then. I'm a bit heavier than Chevelle, as you will see. Ryan was always willing to listen to the heavier stuff, however. That's what I miss about him the most. He was always willing to listen. Ryan can't listen anymore, or maybe he can. That's the stupid thing about dead people. You can talk all you want, but you're never quite sure if they'll listen.
I suppose that's why I'm deciding to write. I hope I will find someone new to listen, but I'm pretty sure I won't.
It's like no one can replace Ryan, like no one can replace Kurt Cobain. Two gorgeous souls with beautiful futures ended by misfortunes like no other.
Glass reflections of ancient perfection marked with the stains on miscommunication. Ryan would've liked me comparing him to Kurt Cobain, even though I'm not quite sure why. I sure wouldn't mind him coming back to tell me though..
But anyways, where are my manners? My name is Alex Roberts, and I am a girl. I was supposed to be a boy, and that's why my name is Alex. Ryan always called my Alexa, however, so that's what I prefer to be called. Alexa Roberts. It has a "nice ring to it", as you may have caught Ryan saying. I don't like my name however. I don't like anything but music. Music is my escape. Music is a way of life. Music is the one thing that keeps me sane nowadays.
I want to skip and backtrack to when o first met Ryan.
It was October 21, and I was sitting in a clinic. Claire, my mom, was talking to a receptionist about the appointment I was scheduled for.
I but my headphones on and Bigmouth Strikes Again by Placebo starts to play. I signed. I smiled. I closed my eyes. I rocked my head along to the beat. My mood was cut off by a tap on my knee. I opened my eyes and a woman with green eyes stared back at me. I slipped my headphones down from over my ears, stared back at her.
"Hi! Are you Alex?"
I swallow, nod, fumble for my phone to pause the song.
"I'm Meg, your group therapist. Let's go meet the others, ok?"
I nod again, stand, take my book bag, and walk with Meg towards a group of teens. Meg stops walking and says, "Everyone please welcome to our group Alex! We'll figure out what she's into when we get to the back. Everyone follow me please.
I stayed close to Meg as we walked to a bigger room. When she sat down, I sat next to her.
I just wanted to listen to music.
"Ok, nos that we have everyone seated, I'd like everyone to come to the front and say your name, favorite artist or band, and favorite song. Since Alex is new, she'll go first."
I groan, walk to the front, look around. All eyes on me, except for a boy to looks at his shoes with his good covering his head.
"Um, Hi." My name is Alex Roberts. My favorite band is Slipknot but my favorite song is Swamp Song by Tool. I go and sit while I hear claps and see nods. A girl that sat next to me walked up. She says, "Hey. My name is Bri and my favorite band is A Perfect Circle. My favorite song is The Nurse Who Loved Me by APC."
I nod, smile. Others go up. There is Names, who loves Five Finger Death Punch and had a favorite of Hard To See by Five Finger Death Punch. Another girl named Sam likes My Chemical Romance. Her favorite song is She by Green Day.
Meg stands, says, "Ryan, would you like to go?"
"Ladies first." He mutters politely.
She smiles, stands, says, "Hey everyone, I'm Meg. Let's see. My favorite band has to be Pearl Jam, but I'm stuck between Here Comes A Regular by the Replacements and The Needle and The Damage Done by Neil Young. Let's just say I'm undecided."
Bri smirks and Sam giggles at the face Meg makes while she talks. I smile.
Ryan looks up, stands, talks his hoodie off. I bite my lip.
He walks up, looks at Meg, says, "My name is Ryan. My favorite band is Tool and my favorite song is Iowa by Slipknot."
I smile, and Ryan looks at me. His eyes are a brilliant blue. Everyone else's eyes are brown except for Meg's. His hair is dirty blonde. Everyone else's hair is brown, except for Sam, whose hair was dyed purple. His skin was pale, like everyone else except for me. I was the only African American.
I swallow hard, force another smile. Ryan sits back down, smiling again.
Meg grins, says, "Ok gang, what do you want to do? Song requests, tell a tale, games.."
"Play Rose by APC!" Bri cries, smiling broadly.
I smile, already knowing what song to play.
"Ok, everyone write a song down and we'll play it."
Bri writes Rose by APC, James writes Scared by Three Days Grace, Same writes Helena by MCR, and Ryan writes Rx Queen by Deftones.
When the paper gets to me, I write Stay by Otep, my original pick. Then I notice everyone else's songs are not as heavy as that, and it was my first day. I wanted to make friends. I wanted them to understand.
So I crossed out Stay and write Send the Pain Below by Chevelle.
Meg plays the songs in order.
Bri says Rose makes her feel happy.
James says Scared explains how he feels sometimes.
Sam says she loves the beat and the meaning in Helena.
I sing with Ryan along to Rx Queen. We sound good together. Ryan tells us that that song explains one of his previous relationships. He says it with a smirk.
When Meg plays my song, I start to sing along.
"I liked having hurt. So send the Pain Below, where I need it."
Ryan scrunches his eyebrows, but is smiling.
When the song ends, Ryan claps.
"That song was brilliant. Your voice was too. What's the name of this band?"
"Thank you," I say, smiling. "The name of that band is Chevelle, and the song is called Send the Pain Below."
Ryan is beaming as he says, "New favorite. Thank you, Alex."
***
Writing that makes me remember him in his prime. It hurts knowing that Ryan's prime lasted half a year before he died.
It hurts. It burns. It stings a truth harsher than ever before. The sad truth? I know about it already. He's already gone.
Even worse? Nothing I say, do, nor write will bring him back.
