Under The Influence

Chapter 7 : Zara

Chapter 5: Zara

As usual, I awoke at seven- a whole damn hour before we all had to get out of bed. It's a habit I can't get out of, one I hate, and don't ask me why I have it. I mean, it's not because I'm used to getting up for school or something- I didn't go half the time towards the end- so there's no reason for it. And it's something I've always had- I can go to bed at four in the morning, which I did regularly before this place, and bam, I'm up two hours later, hung over, bloodshot, and tired and pissed as hell.

I guess that's the only plus side of having such an early bed time here- I don't wake up feeling so shitty. Now if I ever admitted that to Naomi though, she'd make a big deal about it- "That's why you don't use drugs, Zara"- blah blah blah. I know I shouldn't use drugs, everyone knows that, I know what it does to me. I'm not stupid. It's just that in the moment you want to so much you don't care about what you learned in fifth grade in D.A.R.E. I mean, if you just had the shittiest day of your life and you are completely depressed and angry, if you don't take it out and hit someone first, what do they really think if someone offers you something to make you feel better you'll say, "No thanks man, I'll stay miserable. I just say no, of course." Get a fucking clue. But apparently that is what I'm supposed to do.

Naomi and Ethan are always asking me stuff like what made me want to go Goth, if I'm depressed, why I started using, etc, etc. The thing is I can't really answer any of that even to myself. I mean, I can, but I can't. It just seemed the thing to do at the time- it was instinctive, just kind of kicked in on me- one day I wasn't, and the next I was. Like puberty or something. I never was one of those girls who wear all the expensive jeans and polo shirts and crap and like boy bands and ponies and rainbows. I always liked heavy metal and weird bands no one else ever heard of, let alone listened to, and wore baggy guy shirts and pants. So it wasn't that much of as step forward for me to get more black clothes, chained and studded jewelry, multiple piercings, black eyeliner and lipstick, and dying my hair reddish purple. I still wore my guy clothes, but I also have sexier black trench coats and corset-like dresses and shirts.

As for why I did this, I mean, I'm not going to write an essay on it. I'll keep it simple for those to you who need things to be- the world is screwed up, okay? Everyone's fake, and it sickens me. I didn't want to associate with the rest of the world, so therefore I don't. The way I look is a clearly visible and therefore easy to realize statement to the idiotic public to that effect. I don't look like them because I don't want to be like them. Is that so hard to get?

That's why I changed my name too. I mean, my name is Sara. Can you get any more common or sickeningly preppy and sweet than that? The name Sara screams out, " I am a mindless girl whose only goal in life is to blend in." I mean, Sara, means princess. That is so not me. I'm not a Sara- so I became a Zara. How many Zaras do you know? I didn't think so. My name is unique- like I want to be.

And as for the depression thing, yeah, of course I was depressed. Who the hell isn't these days? The people who say they are happy are either fucking liars or they're so stoned they can't help but be. But that doesn't mean I'd do anything about it. I'm Goth, not emo. I don't slit my wrists or think suicidal thoughts, I'm just not like that. I'm not a masochist, I don't understand the concept of how causing pain to yourself would take pain away.

But I do understand wanting to dull it. The most effective way, as I've learned, and also the quickest, is through drugs. I've taken more than I can remember- LSD, pot, crystal meth, heroin, belladonna, etc, etc, and of course, the old teen standbys, cigarettes and beer. I even tried cocaine once but it made me shake so badly and my heart beat so fast I was afraid I'd die. I got scared enough after that I never tried it again, though I was tempted. But yeah, that was like the only thing I wasn't addicted to or close to being addicted to.