The hobbit: an unexpected mushroom

A/N: Fanfic based on movie only. Do not own any rights.

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In a hole in the ground, there lived a Hobbit. Not a cold, damp hole filled wit the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, sandy hole with nothing but pink spotty scorpians for company. No this was a hobbit hole and that means compfort. A cosy fireplace, regular meals and no adventures, EVER!

No adventures are uncompfortable things. Make you late for dinner!! as Quotes Bilbo Baggins himself. Bilbo was a hobbit with a good but dull reputation. All was going well on this particular evening, the sun was out, the kettle was boiling and Bilbo was sitting outside his gate blowing smoke rings. Bilbo took one last puff on his special mushroom smoking pipe and watched a large and especially splendid smoke ring drift up into the blue, cloud free sky of hobbiton. Everything was perfect.....

Everything was perfect that is, untill that stupid blundering wizard arrived and made a mess of things. The wizard in question was Gandalf and Gandalf means.. Him apparently. So up he walks, cheeky as you please and askes bilbo if he wants to go on an adventure. Bilbo says no. DUUH!! What did we say before? no adventures! Not today, Not tomorrow. never!

Of course then gandalf offers for him to join a company of twelve dwarves and head off to The Mushroom Mountain to steal back the lost mushrooms of the mushroomy mountains. The dragon, Smaug (Known by his friends as Benedict) had destroyed the city of dale and captured all the mushrooms, including a large and beautiful mushroom the King Under The Mushroom had dubbed "The Arkenmushroom." As you can imagine, This was an irresistable offer for the poor, mushroom addicted hobbit. After the dwarves came over for a large, mushroomy feast, the company of the mushroom set off.

The company travelled a while and nothing worth mentioning happened before the company came across... A Trio Of Trolls. And quite a friendly crowd they were too! All Quite mad but pleasant all the same. After a brief supper of mushrooms, the trolls head off to escape the early rays of sun.

Ufortunately that idiot of a wizard tripped over a rock. It broke and the poor, poor trolls were turned to stone by the sun!! After a great deal of mourning (and mushroom eating) the company moved on.

The company did not know that between the hours of one and two in the early morning, they were being stalked! A large brown figure with bird poop encrusted hair was watching them. It was Radagast the brown and he was trying to steal their mushrooms.

Radagast was,frankly, addicted to (and obsessed with) mushrooms. He was talking to his pet stick insect Brian who just happened to live in his mouth when all of a sudden POP! up popped Gandalf and Raddy nearly swallowed poor Brian!! Gandalf and Raddy had a talk and gand.. Oh lets just call him Gaddy shall we? Glad you agree. so Gaddy and Raddy had a talk and Gaddy made Poor Raddy lead a load of CGI wolves away from them on a bunch of CGI RABBITS!! RABBITS I TELL YOU!! the result was not pretty. THAT STUPID WIZARD! HONESTLY! I turn around for one, JUST ONE SECOND to type this and he has tipped the entire contents of a jar of peanut butter on the floorand is dancing in it in only a pair of superman underpants!! DISCRACEFULL!!!!!

Anyway, that idiot of a wizard ONLY went and led the company to rivendell where Lady Galadriel ONLY tried to marry Gandalf on first sight! I mean, whats the deal? Lady Galadriel isn't even ment to be in this story let alone try to MARRY PEOPLE IN IT!

After a narrow escape from a crazy elven queen (Too many mushrooms?) and an ageing hippy beard guy (YIKES!) the dwarves only manage to get themselves dropped in a city FULL OF GOBLINS!! I mean, come on, isn't marrying an elf enough exitement for one day? I guess not *Sigh*

So what happens next? the large and overweight goblin sings a song? I mean, wheres the murder in this?? AH HA! here we go! Gaddy cleaves his goblin belly in twain? good enough for me!!

..................HANG ON!......... WHERE'S BILBO???.........WHERE'S OUR BURGLAR?????

Ahh so thats where Bilbo went! He's talking to Gollum! Whats that Gollum? "I Kills It With A Fish"? Is it just me or does that sound like an empty thre..AAAAARGH!... Sorry Gollum, I didn't mean it! You're cute really!! NO!! PLEASE! NOT THE FISH!! NOT THE FISH!!!

OK OK.. Gollum says to bilbo "I WANNA KILL U WITH A FISH!" and Bilbo, like the true idiot he is TAKES OUT A FISH OF HIS OWN AND STARTS HITTING GOLLUM WITH IT!!

This only stops when Voldemort turns up and Snoggs Gollum while Bilbo runs away with their engagement ring! Talk about mean!!!

What happens next? I hear you ask! Well ok you really scream and run awsy so as not to read THE MUSHROOM but lets pretend you did ask!

Well the dwarves get squashed by the overweight king mushroom.. goblin king whatever.. So they get squashed, run away and wander around a random wood until Bilbo appears and scares the heck outta them! They then get attacked by a guy with no nose and one hand (voldemorts cousin?) and run away on big birds. Then they bring Thorin back to life(WHAT FUN!!) and stare at The Lonely Mushroom i the distance.......

THE END

A/N: I Love the Hobbit alot but this is random even for me.. Sadly I must leave now because my Gollum sat on my keyboard and he wont get off..