I'm alright. Until I'm alone. That's usually when it all hits me the most. It hits me with a force so strong it knocks the wind out of me. My feet feel no longer grounded and I lose complete control. The feelings are real; painful. The butterflies in the pit of my stomach, the painful lump in the back of my throat, throbbing to the same irregular beat of my heart- the same beat that vibrates through my head as my body shakes with sobs. That is when the mental pain becomes very much a physical pain. There is no controlling my body when I let go, when I release everything from my system.
Pain changes people. It makes them stronger- in the long run. But what about the process to get them there? What about the hell they go through to come out on the other side?
Why does nobody talk about that?
Is it because there are so many ignorant people in this world that they don't want to accept that some of us are messed up? That some of us struggle just to get to the end of the day?
Or is it simply because many of you have become blind to other peoples' suffering?
Maybe you think it's all in our heads. It is just the mind-set we put ourselves in. Incorrect. Nobody chooses to suffer, nobody chooses this. And it is not always just in the head.
Tell me, is it in my head when my chest feels heavy, when my hands shake every time I'm near a sharp object for the need to feel physical pain in order to subside the mental state my head is in?
I think not.
Maybe the reason so many of us are so fucked up is because there are so many narrow minded people living among us, whom do not understand, nor do they wish to attempt to.
Actions hurt, they damage people. Some of those people remain damaged. There is nothing more painful that the feeling of being misunderstood, being judged and put down by people whom do not understand. Perhaps that is why so many of us choose to shut ourselves away, shelter ourselves from the rest of the world. For fear of being put down no matter how hard we try. We aren't being ignorant, we simply cannot cope.
I'm alright. Until I'm alone.
