In the Beginning

The Creation

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. "Let there be light," God said. "Bang!" Creation replied, and there was light. God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness. Creation saw the darkness and took a nap. “Wake up!” God said, shaking Creation. And there was evening and there was morning, one day.

Then God separated the waters from the waters. God made the expanse and separated the waters which were below the expanse from the waters which were above the expanse; and it was so. And God called the expanse heaven, when Gravity asked, “Wait a sec. A ball of water around the earth?” And there was evening and there was morning, a second day.

Then God said, “Let the earth sprout vegetation, plants and fruit trees”; and it was so. The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed after their kind, and trees bearing fruit with seed in them, after their kind; and God saw that it was good. That evening, Marijuana invented chocolate, potato chips and reggae music and it was good. There was morning, a third day.

Then God created the sun and moon and the stars. God placed them in the expanse of the heavens to give light on earth, and God saw that it was good. Gravity and Marijuana contemplated Creation, mumbling something apparently funny, as they giggled all night. There was evening and there was morning, a fourth day.

Then God said, “Let the waters teem with swarms of living creatures, and let the birds fly above the earth in the open expanse of the heavens”; and God saw that it was good. God blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply of the earth”; and it was so. The creatures of the water and the birds of the air created the first orgy, each of its kind chirping, grunting or barking, “Yeah baby!” in that oh-so-seductive way that only their babe gets. After the help of tobacco, everyone went to sleep. There was evening and there was morning, a fifth day.

The God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness.” So God created man; male and female He created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth.” And God saw everything He had made, and behold, it was very good. The man and the woman stared in shocked amazement at one another. “What's that?” asked the one, “What are those?” asked the other. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

 The Creation of Man and Woman

Thus the heavens and the earth were completed, and all their hosts. On the seventh day God completed His work which He had done, and rested on the seventh day. Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He rested from all His work.

This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created. God formed man of the dust from the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and the man became a living being. And God placed the man in the garden of Eden amidst the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. God commanded the man, saying, “From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat.” The man, for his part, slobbered and sucked his toe.

God then caused all the beasts of the field and every bird of the sky to come before the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was to be its name. Having limited understanding however, the man began to name the beasts Sally, Latiefa, Mabel, Bitch, etc. About Bitch, the man complained to God bitterly.

Then God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” “BaaaAmen!” Sally beamed. Then God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh in that place. God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. Then the man said,

“This is now bone of my bones,

And flesh of my flesh;

She will be called Woman,

Because she was...”

“My name is Eve, fool, and don't be callin' me no Bitch either,” Interrupted Eve, “She's a porcupine. And Sally there is a sheep. Dang, boy.” The man, again for his part, slobbered and sucked his toe. Now the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

In time Eve discovered in the center of the garden a beautiful tree, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and she invented round about the tree dancing – pole dancing. Adam, (for so he was named, meaning “stupid clod of mud”), and all the animals gathered together to watch Eve perform the dance. Many would hold up and wave leaves while whistling, cawing and croaking. During a particularly lascivious routine, Eve did perchance to bump into the tree and caused an apple to fall and bonk her on the head.

Gravity giggled.

The serpent smiled.

 The Fall of Man

Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which God had made and he said to the woman, “Did God really say not to eat from this tree?” “A talking snake?” Adam chimed in, “WTF? Eve, don't listen to Slim there. That fruit is bad, put it back.” “Hey, this is good,” munching Eve replied, “Want some?” After some more drooling and toe sucking, and after an unmentionable dance move Eve did with the apple, Adam capitulated and ate. Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they knew they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings. (Eve had acquired a great many fig leaves while dancing, which she stashed under a nearby rock. Thus Eve also invented banking.)

They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. The Lord God called to the man, and said to him, “Where are you?” “Oh, shit,” Eve whispered to the man. He said, “I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself.” “Oooh shit,” Eve said again. And He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man said, “The woman which You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I did eat.” Springing up, Eve said, “Oh no you di'int!” Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” And the woman said, “The snake made me do it! Git 'em!” “The snake,” replied God, “Really.” “The snake, yup. Bad boy.” Adam slobbered a bit and began to regard his toe while God and the woman located the snake, who was rather busy with other things.

Then the Lord God cursed the serpent and laid a heavy price upon Eve. Finding Adam behind a bush, He said, “Take your toe out of your mouth. Good. Stop that,” and pronounced the man's punishment. So He drove them out of the garden; and at the east of Eden He stationed a fat angel named Chubbim with a flaming sword to guard the gate.

Outside, Eve told her husband, “That snake got it worse than me, he lost his legs. God just told me that my coochie gonna hurt when I start squirting out puppies.” Dumbfounded, Adam looked at the sky, his toe. Licking his lips, he looked back at his wife. “Huh?” “Well, He didn't put it exactly like that. So, what'd He say to you?” Eve asked. “Something very odd,” sulked Adam, “I have to go to work and one day our children will work in 'cubicles' and look like a mighty prophet to come called Dilbert.”