The Fragility of Hope (Mavi)

Chapter 14

When he woke the next morning, he finally felt peaceful.

Sure, he'd been content within the past year. He'd felt happy, and he'd felt overjoyed, but never peaceful. There was an awful pounding in his head and his mouth felt like someone shoved cotton balls down his throat, but the pain in his chest was gone and he still felt like he was in the afterglow.

Yeah, he could get used to feeling peaceful.

He felt Mitch squirm a little bit in his arms, but he didn't bother to crack open an eye, no matter how much the sunlight filtering through the window begged him to. He vaguely remembered bits and pieces of the night before, but didn't let it concern him. Mitch was his now, even if it didn't happen in a way he would've wanted it to. He wished that it could've been more than just fucking, because while Avi was damn good at just fucking, he was even better at making love. Even though it was his first time with a guy, he needed very little direction from Mitch, like it's what he was born to do.

Whatever. He could let himself have a moment of peace.

...He should've learned by now that nothing good for him ever lasts.

Just as he started to drift back to a content sleep, he heard an annoying alarm chime out from Mitch's phone at their bedside table. The smaller man shuffled in Avi's arms again, and the bass froze at the way he sharply inhaled.

"Shit," Mitch whispered, ripping himself out from under Avi's arm. "Shit!"

Avi barely had the energy to open his eyes, but he did it anyway just in time to see Mitch scramble out from under the sheets and quickly pull on his pair of boxers.

"Mitch...?" He mumbled out, pushing his long hair out of his face. "What are you..."

"Shit, shit, shit..." he mumbled under his breath, scrambling across the room to get his clothes together as quickly as he possibly could. "That was a mistake. Fuck, that was a mistake."

Avi's heart shattered a little bit, and felt the air in his lungs get quickly knocked away. "Mistake? I don't..." It didn't feel like a mistake to him. It felt perfect to him. Was Avi just a mistake...?

When Mitch turned to face him, Avi felt crushed by the panicked look in his eyes. Sure, he still looked beautiful with the messy sex hair on his head and purple hickeys littering his delicate neck, but overall, he looked like someone that had a wild fuck the night before and really regretted it. "No, Avi, that wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to let that happen."

Well, now Avi was just confused. He sat more upright and let the blankets pool around his waist, because he suddenly felt very self conscious about being naked, even though the two had seen plenty of each other the night before. "Mitch, please explain. I don't understand."

"Avi, we can't!" He nearly shouted, running a hand through his hair and gesturing to the messy room around them. "This! It can't be us! We work together, you're my bandmate, and I-I..."

Avi didn't know what to say and Mitch just looked awkward, so he let his arms hang idly by his sides. "Avi, this isn't us. We can't just let ourselves do that! Sex complicates everything!"

Avi blinked at him a few times to process everything, but everything still felt surreal. Just a few seconds ago he had everything he'd ever wanted, and now he didn't...? "Complicates what?" What even were they?

Mitch squeezed his eyes shut and bounced on the balls of his feet, obviously very eager to get out of there and away from the awkward tension in the air. "One night stands, Avi. You can't, we can't... It can't happen."

"Was that just a one night stand?" He nearly whispered, letting the reality of the situation click into place. Oh. "Is that all I am to you?"

Mitch shook his head rapidly. "No, that's not what I..." He finally took a deep breath and covered his face with his hands, letting his shoulders relax and stopped the nervous jittering in his leg. When he spoke again, his voice was shaky. "You're so much more than a one night stand. And that's why we can't."

Avi slowly slid away from the bed and tugged on his own boxers, before sitting back down on the bed in silence. This time the quiet tension between them wasn't sexual at all -- it was just extremely, extremely awkward.

"...why can't we?"

He didn't mean to say it. It just kind of... slipped out.

Apparently Mitch wasn't expecting to hear it, either, because his eyes were damn near broken when he looked at Avi again. "We can't let ourselves get tied up with feelings," he mumbled. "We work together. What if something went wrong? What would happen to Pentatonix?"

He'd be lying if he said he hadn't thought about it. But they wouldn't let themselves fall apart, right? "Why are you so sure that something would go wrong?" Was he that much trouble to be with? Did Mitch see something that Avi was blind to?

Mitch looked guilty when he nodded slowly, like he was reading Avi's thoughts. "Avi, we're too... We're too different from each other. We wouldn't work."

Avi quirked an eyebrow in confusion and Mitch huffed before continuing. "I need someone more like me. I know you don't really get it, because you're new to the whole gay thing, but I... I can't be with someone so different from me."

Avi let the words crush him like a ton. Yeah, he was different from Mitch. Different from Mitch would always be bad, because Mitch was perfection, so anything that strayed from perfection was different than Mitch.

He was far, far from perfection, and the boy he loved just told it to his face. "Oh." Nothing he didn't already know.

He guessed he could see it. Scott was so similar to Alex, yet so different in every way. Mitch was the same way with Travis before they split off, and Avi... He didn't see the same comparison. He just saw two completely different people.

"I-I can explain later, okay? It's nothing wrong with you, i-it's me, and I'm bad at feelings and..." He grabbed his bag and strung it over his shoulder, but Avi barely noticed with his eyes still glued to the floor. "Give me some t-time, to think, okay? And I can, maybe, we can work it out? But um, yeah, I... I'm sorry, Avi. You're a great guy. I'm sorry. It's not you. I'm rambling again, aren't I?"

Avi decided that maybe rambling wasn't cute anymore.

He didn't say anything else as Mitch shuffled out the door, leaving the awkward tension behind him. He left Avi to stare at the space where he was at the doorway not ten seconds ago with his mouth hanging open, desperate words still clinging to his chapped lips.

"But I love you," Avi said, letting his eyes slip shut and his head hang low.

And just as soon as he thought he could get over his depression, it was back in four simple words.