A Dance With Death

|| Chapter 35 - Truth and Lies ||

My head feels heavy and it's pounding with pain. But the discomfort cannot overcome my tranquil state. A huge burden has been lifted off of me and I feel more alive than ever, even if I'm not. I want to think about what I just experienced, but I feel that it would be better not to think about it. I nod my head back and forth, humming some tunes to myself and keeping my mind occupied. I even have forced a slight smile on my face, just to keep my calm. I truly am feeling good, despite the murderous headache.

"Somebody's in a good mood," Griffith wonders. We're seated on the bench on which I had my breakdown just before the flashback.

"Mhmm," I reply in a sing-song manner, still humming.

"You were brave back then," he says. "I've never seen someone overcome this."

"Probably because no one faced it," I point out.

"But still, you get the point, right?"

I laugh and nod. "Sure."

He doesn't join my happy moment. He still seems concerned. "Really though? You're fine?"

"You sound just like Althea. And my mom. And my wife. And the rest of my family."

"It doesn't entirely suck to have a human side," he admits. "And you haven't answered my question."

Truth is, I'm not sure if I'm okay. Yes, I've made up my mind that I'm shall forgive and accept myself. But something deep inside me is still doubtful. Well, it isn't quite easy to get rid of such thoughts considering a large part of my life was filled with them. But I know I shall get over it. Things heal with time.

"I will be fine," I answer truthfully.

"But why did you blame yourself for Niall's death? You knew it was someone else who killed him. You knew that the person had tricked you into choosing Niall's death. Hell, you didn't even know what you chose for. So why?"

I smile slightly at his question. "It's a human thing. You won't understand."

"Try me."

I shrug. It's a question I've never answered before, not even to myself. But deep inside, I always knew the answer. All this time, I knew why. "It's just that you have to blame someone, right? They didn't find Stanley. And supposedly, Stanley didn't even exist. And someone had to be blamed. I found myself to be guilty. You see, when you lose someone, you tend to, somehow, blame yourself. You go through all the things you did before they died. You think about how you could've changed some actions of yours, which, if undone, could've saved the person's life. You think about all the things you could've done to stop the mishap. When you finally find a reason, you start blaming yourself."

My throat starts to grow coarse. I shake my head. "That blame that you've put on yourself keeps growing till you start hating yourself. You despise yourself. I felt that I could've thought it through. I could've done something to stop everything from happening. I thought that I could've tackled that man. I should've at least tried to. I should've shouted for help. I thought of myself to be foolish that my sister's life would be worth something less important to me. I was so stupid."

My eyes meet Griffith's. He looks at me as though he understands. But I know he doesn't. His blank expression gives it away.

"I don't expect you to understand," I breathe. "It's just one of the weird things we humans go through."

"No I get it," he defends. "A grieving mind does weird things, thinks weird things. Even if they're not true."

I nod. The main reason the grieving was hard for me was because I was convinced that I killed Niall. Stanley pulled the trigger, but I thought that I was the reason behind it -- I truly believed in it.