the flowers; h.s.

day forty-eight

I asked him to come over last night, decided that maybe it was time that I let him in on what was going on in my head. I was still mad at him, but I knew that he deserved to know what I was thinking. Because I could see on his face that it was driving him mad, this utter heartbreak that he sees in my eyes. But he should know that the heartbreak is no longer because of him. It's because of me and my weakness and vulnerability. I am heartbroken because of what I did to myself when he left, how submissive I became throughout the course of our relationship. It's no longer his fault, it's mine.

When he walked in, he could sense that something was different, I could tell. I smiled at him, for one, and I also put out candles everywhere, something that I knew that he liked. He used to say that the mixtures of all of the smells made him feel light. Cheeseball.

Anyways, he asked me what was wrong and I tried to make sense of my thoughts and how I would put them into the simplest words just so I didn't have to repeat myself.

"Harry, I forgive you," I said, "And it's not for reasons that you think. It's because you were right to leave me. I was so dependent on you, I mean, I basically broke myself when you left. And it shouldn't have been like that. I should have been so furious at you, but I wasn't. I was actually sad, like so fucking sad that I fell into this deep depression and only snapped out of it when you showed up at my front door forty days later. It just wasn't right, none of it. I should have not put up with it. But I love you, Harry, I do. I just need some time to figure myself out. Because it was no problem forgiving you, now I just need to forgive myself."

"What does this mean, then? Because I don't want to lose you, Alia. I really don't. If I could take back leaving you then I would, I would trade anything just to get that moment back."

"No, Harry. I'm glad that you left me, I really am. Because if you hadn't then I never would have realized how weak I was without you. Being with you made me feel strong, but you leaving made me realize that I was actually the opposite, and I can't thank you enough, really. But right now I just need some time by myself, not mourning your absence or breaking myself open wondering when you'll be home."

Harry looked at me, completely understanding but obviously not wanting to. I could see the conflicting emotions on his face, one knowing that this was right and the other not wanting to leave me again. But this is what I needed, just some time to figure out who I was outside of my relationship.

"I love you, Harry, but I really need to do this for me."

"I know, I just don't want us to break up."

"It won't be for long, I promise. I wouldn't do that to you." I took a couple of steps closer to him, watching as his eyes filled with tears that he didn't want to fall. He put his hands up to his eyes, wiping away the wetness. I took his hands in mine and smiled at him. "I love you, okay?"

"Yeah, I know."

"I'll see you soon." He nodded his head and leaned down just as I leaned up. Our lips met for what felt like the last time, but I can only hope that it isn't.

still not the end :)