Into the Heart of a Killer: Memoirs of an Assassin

Chapter Five

My muscles were sore. Ceseth had grown weary of my inability to do things – like climb trees and cook – and he had been working me well beyond my breaking point. It was more common now that I wouldn't cry myself to sleep, purely because I was so exhausted I couldn't cry. All I wanted was a night of rest.

The nightmares got worse.

I had killed a squirrel the other day, entirely on accident. I had gotten so fed up with my "training" that I had gone out to throw rocks. I had been throwing them absentmindedly at a tree. I'd been too busy in my thoughts to really be paying much attention to where exactly I was throwing the rocks. I had heard a poor little chitter when I hit it, square on the head, with a rock just as big.

I cried so hard when I did hit it, too. I had buried it and given it a little headstone with some acorns I found. I resolved then not to get so angry anymore, or to go throwing rocks without paying attention to where I was throwing them.

Ceseth had chastised my "childishness." He had told me that we could have used the squirrel for meat, though the fur wasn't of much use. That had made me cry, too, and he had hit me. Usually that would have shut me up rather quickly, but I was sad about killing the squirrel and it made me sick to think he would want to eat it. Squirrels were cute and fluffy, not for eating! I didn't want to know if he had eaten a squirrel before. I assumed he had, but I didn't want to know for certain. I assumed he had. That was disgusting and cruel and vile... just like he was. And then I was angry again.

I found myself getting angry a lot.

I struggled, surprisingly, with the desire to hit him back. I struggled with drowning in the intense anger I felt. I had never been angry at people before. Sometimes I used to get upset with mother, but I was never angry with her. Mother had done a lot of things I didn't understand. Ceseth managed to best her in that regard. Everything he did from the way he walked, to how he talked, to how he thought. All of it simultaneously confused and enraged me. I didn't want to be angry anymore. I was a melting pot of anger and sadness and confusion. The mixture was volatile and it was eating me up inside. I was falling right into what he had said he was afraid that I would fall into – being eaten alive by my emotions. He had specifically mentioned guilt, but the anger and self-loathing were churning inside me constantly. I wanted to attack him sometimes, even though I knew he would easily beat me. Maybe I wanted that.

I didn't know what I wanted anymore.

I was walking in the forest now, walking by myself. I was going to meet Tane at the river. I hoped Tane wasn't going to ask me to swim again. I didn't know how. I hadn't told him that, and Ceseth was also unaware of it, but I didn't want to tell him because I couldn't handle any more training on top of what we were already doing. He seemed to think that I was capable of all this physical exertion, but I wasn't. It was killing me. The combination of complete exhaustion and lack of proper sleep was making it hard for me to even go see Tane, and this was the best thing that had happened to me in a long while. I didn't frequently have time to go see him, and I had to give him a new excuse every time. As I walked, I was trying to come up with another excuse for him that would be a more lasting one.

"Jae!"

I heard his voice and smiled. My lack of attention had brought my feet to the riverside faster than I had thought. My argument, my excuse, my deception, and not been fully developed yet, but I waved and moved closer to him regardless.

"Hi, Tane," I said, going over to him. He gave me a hug and I returned it. He was the only interaction with a real human being that I had. It felt so nice to be hugged and be cared about by someone. I really liked Tane. He was a sweet boy, too sweat for his own good. He was one of the people Ceseth called naïve and "easily disposable." I had already told myself I would protect Tane, no matter what the cost. Ceseth wouldn't hurt him. I liked Take. I really liked Tane... He was the only link to the more human side of my face and I couldn't unlock that side around Ceseth. With Tane, I could be as real and as human as I needed to be.