A Dark Fall [ORIGINAL & UNEDITED VERSION]

Twenty Eight

I throw myself into the taxi, which is a taxi this time and not Jake's driver. As I give him my address it results in the usual barely disguised sigh from the elderly man in the drivers seat. Then the tears finally break free and cascade down my face.

"I'm sorry, I know it's a bit far out." I sniffle.

The driver looks stunned, a little horrified even by my outburst.   "It's ok love really, it's not a problem.  You're my last fare of the night anyway." He says guiltily as he steals a look at me in the rearview mirror.

"Oh ok good. sorry, I'm just emotional tonight.  I'm ridiculous..." I mutter with a shake of my head, wiping the back of my hand across my face.  How embarrassing.  I need a tissue.  As I begin digging around in my bag for one I see his arm appear between the two front seats.

"Here you go," he says gently.   I thank him, still sniffling.  "Man trouble then?" he asks with a small fatherly smile.   Oh he has no bloody idea. 

I laugh, a small sad laugh before nodding.  "So predictable."

"Aw I see the lot doing this job sweetheart, you wouldn't believe." He says and I nod again.  I'm sure he has seen it all.  I'm sure me finding out that the deeply secretive man I've been sleeping with, who I've fallen in love with despite not knowing anything about, happening to have a son he didn't think to mention isn't the wildest thing he's ever heard.

For the entirety of the journey my temporary father figure in the driving seat offers me reams of assumed wisdom and advice with regards to my "man troubles", as he keeps referring to them.  Though a little patronizing I suppose he has quite a nice manner about him, and listening to him talking in his soft east London accent stops the scene that just played out with Jake playing out over and over again in my head. 

He offers me nothing new though unfortunately.  I'm sure it will work itself out like he says, and I'm sure if it's meant to be it will be.  I just hope that whichever of those outcomes is most likely happens soon because I feel like I've just been run over by a truck.  My bones and body feel shattered as my mind tries to make sense of what has just happened.

When he pulls up at my house I pay and tip him generously, and as I'm exiting his car he tells me I'm a lovely young girl and that he's sure I'll find the right man soon enough.  I'm about to ask him how you know when you've found the right one? 

Does the right one feel like you're being consumed by fire when you're with them? Like you cant breathe when you're apart?  Like you'd kill, maim or die rather than let anything happen to them??  And if so should you just ignore everything else that may not be perfect and just be thankful that you've been able to find another human who makes you feel like that. 

I don't ask him any of that though because I doubt he'd know. 

Instead I just give him my polite smile and thank him before closing the door of his car and starting up the path home.  To be honest I don't really want to talk to anyone about any of it anyway.  I'm scared to say any of it out loud incase someone does have the answers and none of them are what I want to hear.    I need to keep it inside.   Jake belongs inside me. I'd never wanted to talk about him with anyone from the start, maybe because he'd always felt like some sort of lost treasure I'd found that I to didn't want to tell anyone about incase someone asked for it back.

Feeling like I weigh a ton, I feed Fred and crawl into my freezing empty bed.  It matches how I feel inside and it magnifies everything x100.  In the dark I message my brother to tell him I'm home safe and that it was lovely meeting Isabelle.  After he responds with a dozen smileys I shed some more tears into my pillow before finally passing out.