I don't own this. Enjoy!
Emmett Cullen must remember that:
1. He is not Harry Potter, even if the 4th graders think he is
2. He is not to refer to Bella as 'that cute, clumsy, little meal on legs'
3. Rosalie's hair does not tell him things
4. Neither does Carlisle's
5. The only proper response to a Alice's question of "Does this make me look fat?" is 'No.'
6. Nudist colonies only exist in France
7. His name is Emmett, not The All Powerful One
8. Or Princess Butterfly
9. Or Sex-ay Thang
10. It is illegal to set Walmart on fire
11. And that "But fire is so pretty" is not a good excuse for setting aforementioned fire
12. He is not, in fact, 'Fergalicious'
13. Nor is he a 'Barbie Girl' (but he is bringing Sexy Back)
14. The CIA does not have his cell phone tapped
15. There is no such phobia as omeworkophobia (fear of excessive homework)
16. And telling his teacher he has omeworkophobia will not get him out of detention for not doing his homework
17. Neither will offering to give him or her a lap dance
18. Edward will kill him if he hums 'Smack That' as Bella walks by
19. Jasper will kill him if he hums 'Smack That' as Alice walks by
20. Carlisle will kill him if he hums 'Smack That' as Esme walks by
21. He may not hum 'Smack That' as Rosalie walks by because they may not have sex in front of the whole family and/or school
22. It is wrong to tell freshman that all the students in their grade who fail are killed and used as cafeteria food the next year
23. Alice and Bella are not having a lesbian affair and it is wrong to tell everyone at school that
24. He doesn't hear people's thoughts (that's Edward)
25. He doesn't see the future (that's Alice)
26. Rosalie does not think hand puppets are seductive
27. The squirrells are not out to get him
28. Neither is Bella's cereal
29. Or the CIA
30. Fences are meant to keep people out, not to be pretty
31. He is not allowed to take over the school intercom and confesws his undying love of Rosalie's hair
31. Nor is he allowed to take over the school intercom with the purpose of singing "Super Freak" by Rick James for the school's entertainment
32. He's just not allowed to take over the school intercom at all
33. Rules are not written as guidelines, they are actually rules, despite what Johnny Depp believes
34. No one wants to hear about what happened on Days of Our Lives yesterday
35. Abandoned refridgerators are not portals to other worlds
36. And he needs to stop telling little children they are
37. Bella does not think it's funny when he stuffs her tampons in his nose and jumps out at her from where he was hiding in her closet
38. Neither does her father
39. Or Edward
40. It is wrong to run through an airport screaming "BOMB! BOMB! HE HAS A BOMB!" while pointing at Carlisle
42. He should not steal Jasper's Confederate uniform
43. Then claim he lost it, and offer to buy him a Union uniform
44. And then return Jasper's uniform months later, after adding beads, sequins and Girl Scout patches to it
45. He is not from "the hood" and he is not a "gangsta"
46. He must stop writing 'For a good time, call Edward Cullen' on the school's boy's bathroom walls
47. Edward has no comment on the status of his virginity
48. Nor does Bella
49. He is forbidden to take naked pictures of Edward and email them to the whole school
50. He embarrasses himself, and his family when he plays "Lord of the Onion Rings" at lunch
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Did he really stick tampons in his nose and hide in your closet?" Jasper asked Bella.
Bella gave an involuntary shudder. "Yes."
Jasper winced sympathetically.
"Well," he said, "Since this is all we can think of, I suppose we should just hang it next to the list of what he's not allowed to do."
Bella nodded, took the list, and taped it to the wall. The two stood back to admire their accomplishment.
At that moment, a piece of burned toast with butter spread liberally on both sides soared through the air and hit Jasper on the side of the face. With a sigh, he peeled the bread of the side of his face. Bella shook her head, and walked over to the mounted list and wrote:
51. Toasters are not meant to be used as catapults, even if they do send the toast flying really far with a few modifications...
