The Way It Was Before

one

"The greatest heartache comes from loving another soul, they said, beyond reason, beyond doubt, with no hope of salvation."

- Dead Poets, Lang Leav

I get nostalgic whenever fall comes around. The season always reminds me of that day so long ago when I was sitting under the shade of a sycamore tree, a book in my hands, and I was enjoying the silence, the crisp air breeze, the endless rain of leaves, and the brilliant sunlight with the residue of summer heat. The season makes me remember many things, but what it makes me remember the most is change.

It started as an ordinary day. I was fifteen back then, a sophomore, and was always alone. No, I wasn't an outcast. I did have friends—a few occasional ones, that is. The kind of people who would only come to you when they need something from you. I was shy and awkward, so it was hard for me to keep up with my peers and make meaningful friendships with them. All I had was Clover, my sister who was seventeen then, but she had her circle of friends to spend time with.

The solitude and the lack of craziness in my life didn't bother me. I was perfectly fine drifting through the days with nothing to look forward to. Until this peaceful drifting took a significant turn when Clover gave me a push.

I was in the middle of losing myself in a book when she popped out behind the tree and poked my sides to scare me. She loved that little game of hers—sneaking up to her friends and scaring them. Her number one target: me. She wouldn't stop no matter how much I complained. Or no matter how immune I had become to her antics.

"Try to come up with a better sneak attack, Clover." I shot her a smug smile

"Don't give me ideas," she said, parking herself next to me on the grassy ground.

"Hey, don't you have band practice or something?" I asked.

"Yeah, I was on my way there when I saw you here. I thought you'd gone home."

"Nope. Got distracted." I waved the book up. It was a horror book. I can't remember what it was about, but I can remember being thrilled reading every chapter and feeling slightly annoyed when that thrill was cut short. 

"You are so bookish, Autumn. I'm surprised that your eyesight hasn't gone bad from reading so much," Clover said.

I pursed my lips at her. "If you're only going to complain about how much I spend my time reading, just write it down in a letter so I could be more inclined to pay attention to it."

"Whoa, whoa." She was both shocked and impressed as she stared at me agape.

I breathed out a laugh and said, "But seriously, I need to go back to this and not get distracted. I'm almost done with the story."

"No. All this reading has turned you into a mean person. Get up." She jerked her head up to encourage me and pushed herself off the ground. "Come with me. It's time for you to make friends."

"Is that some sort of punishment?"

"Making friends is a punishment for you?" Clover said with a snort. "You seriously need to get yourself out there. You're not a part of any after-school clubs, so you might as well hang out with my friends and me. It would be a nice change, don't you think?"

Just the thought of meeting her friends already gave me the jitters. I had observed them from afar. They were a bunch of peppy twelfth graders, and it got my mind racing with thoughts on how I should act around them to match their energy.

"But..." I wanted to decline, but she cut me off.

"Don't worry, they don't bite. The boys can be rowdy and obnoxious, but they're welcoming. And you're gonna love Rose. You know, the one who invited me to join the band? She's a real sweetheart who can talk your ear off about astrology. Come on, Autumn. It'll be fun!"

She was looking at me in a way that said she wouldn't take no for an answer. I let out a sigh of resignation, thinking I could just sit in a corner while they hung out together. Like what I always did in any social situation.

"As long as I'm not joining your gigs," I mumbled, slipping the book into my bag. I liked music, but I wasn't a musician. I could barely even play the flute during my seventh grade Music without producing so much noise pollution.

I offered Clover my hand. With a grin on her face, she helped me up.

"Great! There you go!" she cheered.

"I'm only doing this to humor you for once," I said.

She rolled her eyes. "There's more to life than hitting the books, you know?"

"Is that your senior quote? Because that says a lot about your plummeting grades in Literature," I shot back.

"Hey!"

I made a peace sign, and she pinched me on my side. We burst into giggles as we strode across the field where a team of soccer players was warming up.

"Is it okay with your friends, though? Me being there?" I asked. 

"No. It's okay. They won't mind having you," Clover replied. Then, her eyes lit up as brightly as the sunlight reflecting on her blond hair. "Oh yeah, do you remember Michael? The—"

"—guy you've been obsessing over the last few weeks?" I grinned at her. "What's he like again? He's—"

"—mysterious! Irresistible! Handsome!" we both chorused.

"Yes, the same adjectives I've heard you say so many times." I shook my head. "All the guys who catch your eyes must be twins for having the same qualities, Clover."

"Michael Summer is an exception. For one thing, he's not just handsome. He's illegally handsome." She winked, her smile touching her blushing cheeks.

"Illegally handsome? How is he not in jail, then?"

"Your sarcasm train has no brakes today, I swear to God." She rolled her eyes again with a matching scowl this time. "This is another reason you must come with me, Autumn. Once you see him, I'm sure you'll take back every single joke you said about him and fall victim to his charms, too. But remember, I called dibs first."

"Whatever," I droned.

We had walked a minute in silence when she put her hand on my head. A lot of people did that to me because I was only five feet tall, and I could easily be mistaken as twelve years old. It would usually annoy me, but my sister's gesture was a form of reassurance so I was okay with it. It felt nice.

"I'm really happy you're coming with me," she said with sudden sincerity. "I know meeting new people makes you nervous, but you can't keep living like that. Get over the fear and step out of your comfort zone, kiddo. Wonderland is out there!" She gave my back a hard slap that nearly sent me stumbling.

I turned to raise my eyebrow at her. "Who are you, Alice?"

She tossed her hair off her shoulder. "Nope. You are Alice, and I'm the White Rabbit in human form. Now, follow me down the rabbit hole, for I will show you a place full of music, fun, and nonsense!" she yelled up at the sky in a showman voice, which had me laughing. She winked at me. "You'll have a great time, Autumn. Believe me. You'll miss half of your life if you don't meet them."

I had no idea how true her words would be. Until I met them.

Until I met him.