As I walk into school for what feels like the millionth time I look around for a familiar face, I find none. All I see tall, tan, beautiful girls gossiping about their summer. I see shorts, tank tops, happiness. I am wearing a long sleeve flannel and jeans. I am ignored as I reach my locker. My bracelets jingle as I pull at my lock. It finally opens after a strong tug. I grab my books and shove my bag in. Locking my locker I turn and sit on the ground leaning against the wall. I read everyone's face as they walk by. "Fat, ugly, stupid, pathetic." The words repeat with every glance in my head.
A bell goes off and everyone separates and files into their class followed my laughter. I rush to be the first in the class, not because I like school but because I want the black corner, The least noticeable position in the room. The laughter and whispers just cause more thoughts to creep into my mind. "They are laughing at you, they think you look ridiculous." a small voice echoes in your head. A second bell goes off and the teacher hushes the class. After a few minutes the chatter diminishes.
"Welcome to eighth grade English class." the teacher says a little to enthusiastically. "We're going to start off with attendance." he announces. He starts naming off people followed with obnoxious tones of "present" or "here". "Olivia Perry?" for some reason the sound of my name alarmed me and and I panicked. "present." I said almost silent. "Olivia?" He didn't hear me. "Here." I say a little louder. He finally heard and continued with the roll call.
I suffered though first period not being noticed or having to say much. The rest of the morning was just a blur of names and review. The bell rang for lunch and I made my way to my locker. I know I had lost weight this summer, this morning I weighed 100 pounds. I had lost 10. I needed to be thinner, I could still pinch my belly and arms. I shoved my books and folders into my bag and began to walk to the bathroom. I entered the stall and sat on the toilet, I didn't have to pee. The thoughts, the words pull at me like a sad game of tug-o-war. "Do it" "No, don't". I pulled a small blade from my back pocket and a band-aid. With the music drifting into my ears I slide up my sleeve to my elbow. I flip the blade a few times between my fingers. I grip it hard and push it into my skin and drag. I just do one and wipe blood with toilet paper then cover the wound with the bandage. I shove the razor back in my pocket, wash my hands and proceed to lunch. Like nothing ever happened. To be honest I didn't feel bad I actually didn't feel at all.
I walk into the serving area and grab a salad, fat-free milk and an apple. I knew I wasn't going to eat it all. I pay and go find an empty table, today I eat alone, Like everyday. I pick a few pieces out of the salad and take a sip of the milk, not touching the apple. Not even ten minutes into lunch and I'm done. I get up and throw away my trash. When I sit down I just sit and listen to my music, the thing keeping me alive. I hear some loud laughter over my music, I just ignore it but then something hits me in the head and I turn around. There is a group of guys laughing hysterically all pointing to the one in the middle. I can't describe the rage the flowed though me at that point. It was my first day of school for the year. Give me a break.
I start to say something but my voice is drowned out by the lunch bell. I run out of the cafeteria crying. All the while the voice a getting riled up. I run into the bathroom again, but this time I stop at the mirror. I break down, all I see is ugly. My nose is too wide, my eyes to small, cheeks too full, lips chapped. My stomach is too big, my thighs aren't far enough apart. I get myself together and walk into one of the stalls. I pull my hair into a bun chis crossing the band. I let my arms fall to my side and hunch over, I've in this position what feels like a million times in the past few months. I stick my fingers down my throat. I feel a push in my gut and a gag and what little food I have hadthat day is not in the toilet. I calms me down, but not enough to go to class. I end up in a pile of tears on the bathroom floor. Pathetic. I hear bells go off but I don't go to my classes, I can't. I am going to let them see me like this.
Eventually after another bell or two I hear the bathroom door open and a teacher walks in.
"What are you doing?" the teacher asks as she bends over to be face to face with me. I look away. Over the past hour or so I didn't change my bandage resulting in it bleeding though. I stayed silent while the teacher glanced down and saw a trace of blood between the purple and blue squares. She proceeded to grab me and pull me off the floor. At this point there was no fighting. I had to follow, I mean where could I go?
I followed her to the familiar walk to the nurse's office, She opens the door for me and follows me in. We walk up to the desk together and she starts talking. "I found this young lady on the bathroom floor, I think she doesn't feel good, she smelled like throw up." The nurse just raised her eyebrows because I've been here many times before. "Is that right Olivia?" she questioned suspiciously. "Yes, I'm not feeling well, I think is was what I ate for lunch." I said trying my hardest to show no traces of lying. She shuffled around a stack of papers and furiously clicks about her computer for my paper work. In between clicks and papers she told my to have a seat on one of the cots.
My mind is going so fast I can't focus on one thing, I can hear my heart in my ears. "They know you're lying. How could you get caught."The voices keep pushing and pushing. Slowly, then all at once. They began quiet and grew louder and louder in the silence in my head. I want to scream to silence them but I know nothing can suppress them.
I lie back my head and rub my temples, I curl into a ball making sure to wrap my hand around my stomach. Stick to the lie.
"Do you think you can go back to class?" The nurse asks after about an hour.
"Yeah, I think so." I said as I started to sit up. It was eighth period only half and hour till I could go home and release this pain and calm the voices.
