I sit here thinking and I can't help but question: Who am I? How did I get to this point? What has made me who I am now? Where am I from? Where am I going? What am I supposed to be doing in life? Have I been making the right decisions? Am I supposed to have regrets? Was the last year and a half supposed to happen? should I just forget it and move on or dwell on it?
Who have I become?
***
"Promise me Katie. Promise me that you will never hurt yourself like that." My best friend looked at me expectantly, holding her pinky out to me.
I never thought a moment as simple as this would mean so much, but it does. Tears sprang to my eyes as I brought my own pinky forward and linked it with hers. "Only if you promise too."
"Of course."
And with that our promise was made. She turned around and continued to talk with our classmates like nothing had just happened. It kind of killed me a little inside though. She just put out a promise that would hold me together through so much and she just goes on like nothing happened? Did it mean anything to her?
Class went on and while she continued with everything else, I sat behind her thinking about what I just promised and how much it would help me. Then I realized that even though it seems like she doesn't care, like it doesn't make a difference to her, she is my best friend and I know she will always care. She did mean what she said; she just doesn't really know how to react. She has been there for me for months now; helping me through depression. Of course she cares. P
No one else has been there for me. I even tried talking to one of my other friends about it and she laughed at me and said "You're not going emo on me, are you?"
That tore me apart inside. I thought no one would understand me. I thought everyone would have the same reaction. I felt alone until I made that promise.
That promise is what kept me together then, and sometimes it is still the only thing that keeps me strong.
The promise reminded me that I am not alone and that I never will be. It reminds me to be strong every time I just want to give in and break down.
No matter how broken I feel and no matter how badly I want to give in this promise will never be broken.
Not too long after making that promise I had a falling out with that same best friend. I had made a choice that honestly wasn’t all that smart and she judged me for it and left me.
It was Christmas Break and I made a choice concerning my relationship status. Now that I look back at it I know that it was stupid in every way, but at the time I was happy and I didn’t want to question it.
When I told her she was upset at first and tried to talk me out of it but I wouldn’t have any of it. It was my choice and it wasn’t going to affect her so what difference should it make? We dropped the issue after that and never talked about it again but the thoughts were never far.
Over the course of a month we grew distant. The sleepovers that we had every weekend become none existent and the bright, lively conversations grew dull. We grew so far apart that we barely even talked to each other anymore. This all broke me to pieces. I knew she was upset with me for the choice I had made but I didn’t think she would just leave me like that. She was my best friend and she was the only person that picked me up when I was broken, she was the only person that knew what would bring me back. She was the only one that knew how to help me and be there for me. She was the only one who cared. But now she is gone. She left me to fend for myself. I didn’t know what to do.
I thought Best Friends were supposed to be there for each other no matter what. I thought that even if they didn’t agree with one of your decisions they would still be there for you in case things go wrong like they think it will. I thought that friends weren’t supposed to judge.
