Handle With Care

17

I don't know what I was expecting when Greyson finally agreed to show me the part of himself that he was hiding. Maybe I expected him to reveal himself as the victim, because in my mind he always was. He was the boy who lost his parents, he was the boy who was battered and bruised... but as it turns out, he was the boy who caused it.

"You must think I'm a sadist," He said as I stared straight ahead, completely silent.

"I -" I tried, but I didn't know what to say. It wasn't that this changed things, but it wasn't what I was expecting. I wasn't prepared.

"Let me explain?" Greyson asked, seeming tentative. "I don't have an... excuse... I just want you to understand. I still have to leave you, but I'm selfish enough that I want to tell you why."

My heart felt heavy as a led weight at his words. I wanted to beg him to stay, but I knew it would only cause a fight, and right now I didn't need to fight. I needed the truth.

My phone began buzzing for the third time since we left the apartment, and at the sight of my mother's name I pressed decline. She could call me a million times, but I just wasn't ready to hear what she had to say.

"Okay," I told Greyson, my eyes trained once again on the scene in front of me. "Explain."

Around us men tended to wounds and trained on punching bags. The situation looked like organized chaos, and I was sure it sounded the same, but my ears were only focusing on the sound of Greyson's voice.

"I was sixteen when I first came here," He told me. "I had been the youngest in the group home, and I was getting picked on and beaten pretty badly. I wanted to learn how to defend myself, but I couldn't afford it. Then a guy I knew told me about this place."

This place - an abandoned building filled with sweaty men and rusty boxing rings. This place - a place designated to underground fighting. There was a referee, but there were no rules.

"No wonder your favorite movie is fight club," I muttered, and he offered me a half smile.

"After the party," He continued. "I was relocated to a new group home. It was about forty minutes from here and a lot safer, but I still came here to fight. I didn't have to anymore. I wanted to. For the first time in my life I felt like I had control."

I understood that. After Nathan went into a coma, I felt like my world was spinning at the speed of light. I realized how powerless I was.

"No one from the agency ever found out about the fighting, so I was able to get emancipated once I made some progress. I moved back here to be close to my dad because I knew he was sick, which just made me fight even more because it was right here. Plus, I need the money for my apartment. Why get a real job when I can get paid for fighting? I was already doing it, so I might as well make money."

I nodded, at least understanding that part. I hadn't realized how much his past had affected him. Sure, I knew it made him more guarded, but I never could have guessed that it made him like this.

Selfishly, the only response I could form was about me. "This doesn't have to change anything between us."

"It does," He said, his voice firm as though he was stating an indisputable fact. "You have enough going on already. You don't need to be worrying about me because I'm some sort of adrenaline junkie who thrives off of putting himself in danger."

"So you think that if you leave I won't still worry?" I scoffed. "I can't just turn my feelings for you off like a light switch. I'm not like you, Greyson. I care. I care about everything so much that it makes my bones shake. I can't even try to hide that."

"Well you shouldn't care about me," He said. "This - us, we can't happen."

I felt my phone going off again, but I ignored it. "You don't have to choose between me and fighting," I told him. "I'm not going to make you do that. I know what you would choose, and I get it. I don't know why you fight, but it's something you've done for a long time. It's part of you, and I would never ask you to change who you are for me."

"I've changed a lot over the past few years," He bit his lip. "And not in a good way. You were right when you said I didn't care. I don't care about school, or bonding with my father, or the future, but fuck, Rose, I care about you. I wish I didn't have to cause you any pain at all, but that's not possible. I have to choose between leaving now and causing you some pain or staying until the pain becomes unbearable. Only one choice makes sense."

I closed my eyes, suddenly feeling too drained from the day I was having. A single tear rolled down my cheek. I wanted to fight for us, but Greyson had already left. Only his body was really here.

Still, I choked out, "You don't have to do this."

The pad of his thumb stroked my cheek, and he leaned forward to press a soft kiss on the top of my head. I sank under his touch.

"Yes, I do," He murmered.

As I watched him walk away, I wondered if maybe we were always meant to burn out. I thought we could've made it, but I guess I was wrong. Maybe we were like paper planes. We were never really flying - we just fell to the ground so slowly that we didn't even know it was happening until we collided with the concrete.

• • •

I couldn't bear to look at this place any longer. For so long I wanted to see the side of Greyson that he was hiding, but now it was just a reminder of what just went down.

As I walked away, I felt my phone begin to buzz in my pocket once again. I rolled my eyes, pulling it out of my pocket so I could turn it off, but then I saw Alice's name on the screen.

"Hey," I answered, and hated how choked up I sounded. "Are you -"

"Rosalie," A voice breathed on the other end of the phone, and I froze.

"Why are you on Alice's phone?" I asked my mother.

"Rosalie, I - I know you're furious with me. You have every right to be, but you need to get to the hospital right now."

My heart rate began to pick up. "What? Why?"

"I tried to call you," She sobbed into the phone. "I tried but you wouldn't answer so your father called but - but you still wouldn't pick up. Nathan woke up, sweetie. He - he couldn't move but he was awake, and I wanted you to see him, so I called Alice to ask her to call you. B-but then-"

"But then what?" I asked, my voice sounding worried but my mind feeling completely blank.

It was all too much, I could barely even feel it anymore. I felt like a stranger in my own body. I felt like this life wasn't my own - like someone had replaced my brain with someone else's and all these things were happening that were supposed to devestate me, but they just left me feeling numb. I wondered if this was how Greyson felt all the time. Was this what happened to someone once they went through too much? They didn't have the energy to face anymore tragedy, so when it happened all they could do was stare blankly and wonder why they didn't care?

"He - something's wrong," My mother told me frantically. "He's sweating and his heart rate is too fast and -"

"I'm on my way," I assured her, because clearly God wasn't done using me as a pawn in his wicked games today. "I'm on my way."