who am i?

i promise

Author's Note: the next chapter is happy... I promise.

---

After Phil finished giving me the details he was ready to continue on about the whole couple of weeks and i had to stop him. I was just feeling more and more guilty.

I still don't remember every reason as to why I attempted to commit suicide but I'm not sure if I want to remember.

How could I do this to Phil? He literally watched me die and who knows what else he went through in those two weeks... Plus his problems just got worse once I woke up.

Maybe it would've been better if I just died.

"Stop it." Phil said; pulling me out of my thoughts.

"What?" I asked.

"Stop putting yourself down. I can see it in your face, Dan. That type of thinking is what got us here in the first place. What happened, happened. Whether we like it or not. And now that we're both here we just have to make the best of it." He gave me a fake smile; trying to cheer me up.

I got lost in his eyes for a moment before speaking again. And I know that sounds cheesy but you really do get lost. I just sat there picking out the variety of blue and green colors in his eyes, and comparing them to the many colors of the ocean.

"I love you." I said, "And don't cut me off this time because i can explain."

Phil opened his mouth and then reluctantly closed it again.

"I feel like... I feel this pressure in my head all the time, like memories are trying to break through. Like the old Dan, your Dan, is trying to show up again. That sounds strange but I promise it's the truth.

And when I look at you... It's different. I can feel my heart beating in my chest and the pressure goes away and everything is just clear. Looking at you, I remember. I remember what it's like to feel love even if i don't quite remember all the reasons as to why. But I feel it, and I know it's real."

Phil smiled and hugged me right away. At first I was a bit surprised but then I relaxed. He was so warm, and he hugged me tightly but not so that it hurt... It was just... Perfect.

He mumbled something to me, "we're gonna figure this out. I promise."

"I promise."

He's said that before...

I sat in my bedroom while Phil was doing a live show. I was only on my second bottle of beer but I already felt my emotions becoming more intense.

Maybe I was just using the alcohol as an excuse.

I was crying. Phil was cheating on me. He had to be...

Why did I think that?

I heard Phil in his room, "-Emma, Madison, Luke... Alright! Bye guys!" Then silence.

I cleared my throat and got up. I changed out of my pajamas into the most depressingly black outfit I owned.

I grabbed a jacket and headed out, leaving my phone, wallet, and all else behind.

I walked past his room, "I'm just going out for a walk." I said, trying to sound as normal as possible.

He laughed, "you? On a walk? Okay Dan..." I continued walking and said nothing.

As I stepped out of the flat, I ran up the stairs to the roof. There was about a 3 foot wall lining the entire space.

I walked slowly to the edge and took a deep breath. I swung my legs over the edge and sat with my feet dangling down the side of the building.

Luckily no one was outside tonight so no one noticed me. I sat there watching my tears fall until I could no longer see them.

What am I doing? As clumsy as I am... I could fall so easily. Just one slip up and down I go.

Maybe that's okay.

Did I really just think that? What's wrong with me? Pull yourself together Dan.

I heard the door to the roof open behind me abruptly and heard rushed footsteps come out before skidding on the cement roof and stopping.

The door closed slowly but I could feel someone standing behind me a few yards away.

"Dan?"

It was Phil.

I put my head down and leaned forward a bit, then stopped. I knew he could see me, but I still tried to be invisible.

"Oh my god... Dan... Dan give me your hand..." I heard him say worriedly.

I turned my head to look at him to see him slowly walking toward me.

"Stop. Just go away." I said, putting a hand out to motion for him to halt. As my weight slightly shifted, my body swayed. Though maybe that was the alcohol.

I saw Phil's eyes widen as he froze where he stood, with his hand out, "okay... Okay..."

I turned my face back to look down at the street below. I should really move. But my body just wouldn't budge.

"Dan... Why?" Phil asked, shaking.

"You and... Him. You're perfect for each other. More similar personalities, he's far more fit than I am... I saw you two. I saw the way he was looking at you. I know how often you text. Every time you're on your phone, you're talking to him. And I don't blame you." I laughed, "who am I to think I deserved you?"

Who was he?

"Dan... Oh my god Dan no... No Dan I would never... It's you, I love you, I've always loved you. I always will... Now please just give me your hand..." Phil said.

I looked to the cement below. I was really getting that "l'appel du vide" feeling now.

"Please..." I heard Phil almost whisper.

I turned to face him. Seeing the desperate look on his face... I got my body to function.

I held out my hand and he pulled me off of the edge almost instantly before holding me tightly.

I was out of breath for some reason, yet I continued to cry.

Why would I do that? What was wrong with me?

"You're okay. Everything's okay. We'll figure this out Dan. Together." Phil spoke as he rubbed my back.

"I promise."

The memory faded.

That was so long ago. Who was "he"?

But that didn't matter right now, as Phil was holding me. He was perfect.

Then I smiled as I realized something...

Phil hugged me without asking for permission.