holding back from you

'can I try something?'

I laid in Tristan's small single bed, curled tight against the older boys body as we watched Avatar on his TV. I watched Tris' lips move in sync with the movie's dialogue which he'd obviously learnt off by heart in the hundreds of times he had watched this film, I wasn't really paying the film much attention as I spent most my time watching my boyfriend's face in awe, watching the way his eyes would widen and light up at his favourite parts or how a smirk would pull at his lips when something amusing happened, all the little things that made my heart skip. After a while of watching the film Tris' gaze snapped from the screen as he turned to look at me and placed a gently kiss on my forehead, "can I try something?" he asked innocently, I nodded at him slightly confused at what he meant. Tristan pulled the duvet off both our bodies and moved his body to the opposite end of the bed, he lightly tugged on the waistband of my pyjama bottoms causing me to suck in my breath slightly nervously "Tris I don't know if I'm..." I began before the older boy cut me off by pushing his lips softly against my own "I know and don't worry, that's not what I'm doing" he said reassuringly before returning his hands to my pyjamas, he slid my bottoms off me leaving me in just my baggy t-shirt and boxers. I felt my heart racing, I felt nerves coursing through my body when the thought occurred to me that Tris could see the scar's properly for the first time, I saw his eye's scanning along them individually before he lowered his head close to me thighs. He began to push gentle kisses to each of the scars individually across both of my thighs paying attention not to let his lips push too harshly on them. Tristan pulled himself back to the head of the bed and laid on the pillow before pulling me on top of him and dragged the duvet over our entwined bodies "I want you to know that I find every single little bit of you beautiful okay Brad?" he whispered, "every single time you think of cutting, just think of me kissing your thighs and think of my lips as the blade and instead of the blade making the pain go away, it'll be my lips making the pain go away because I never want you to be in pain again Brad... I know it won't be that easy but I'm here every single step of the way" he finished as he gently connected our lips together, "I love you Brad" he sighed, I nuzzled my head into his chest "I love you too Tris" I sighed, for the first time in so long I had actually spent a whole day happy, an entire day where I didn't want the day to finish... just being with Tristan was all I needed to be happy.

The next morning I woke up to see Tristan playing tentatively with my hair still with his other arm wrapped around me and our bodies were still pressed tightly together "morning" I whispered, a smile formed on Tris' lips "morning you" he said pressing a kiss to my lips "I think you should maybe buy a bigger bed" I said with a giggle. Tristan hummed in response "yeah that might be a plan, not that I don't like being this close to you but just a double bed might be a better bet" he laughed as he pulled himself out of bed "come on lazy, it's eleven in the morning and we need food before we go bed shopping" he jeered cheerily, I grumbled lightly as I pulled my discarded pyjama bottoms back onto my body before following the older boy down the stairs of his family home.

"Morning boys" Caroline chimed as the two of us walked into the kitchen "Hi" I replied with my voice still thick with sleep, "what's for breakfast?" Tris said sarcastically as he approached his mum, "does it look like I run a bloody bed and breakfast Tristan Oliver Vance Evans?" she answered bluntly before a wicked grin took place on Tris' face "you forgot the third" he teased, causing his mother to smack him across the hands with the spatula she held in her hands "watch it you or you can kiss these pancakes away" she giggled. After a small amount of general conversation Caroline placed two heaped plates of pancakes on the table in front of myself and Tristan "as usual, eat as much or as little as you want" she sung before leaving the kitchen. I made my way through about half my pile whilst unsurprisingly Tris devoured both his whole pile and the remainder of mine. We took it in turns to shower and get dressed - I decided to wear some black skinny jeans, a floral button up shirt and some black boots - before setting off to Tristan's local town centre to find a new bed.

I think we genuinely forget that we're part of a successful band because the thought of someone maybe recognising us when we ventured out didn't even cross my mind until we began to walk around town, "excuse me" a voice mumbled from behind us as we stood observing a double bed in dreams, I turned round to see a girl (who looked about 8 maybe 9) stood behind us in a Vamps top with a teenage girl who I assumed to be her sister, "could I um have a photo please?" the young girl mumbled rather confidently for such a young child, I beamed brightly at the pair of them "yeah of course" I responded as I pulled the young girl in between myself and Tristan, smiling for a photo before giving the girl a hug and watching her happily skip off with a smile fixated upon her face. After the longest half hour of my life watching Tristan annoyingly observe every obscure detail of about twelve beds, he finally decided on one that he actually liked. The bed he chose was a black leather double bed that would go well enough with the blue room that the twenty year old stayed in whilst he visited home.

Once we went to leave the shop I reached out to take Tristan's hand but retracted myself at the sight of four photographers waiting outside the bed shop, "fuck sake" I heard Tristan grumble under his breath as he pulled his hood up over his head and placed his dark sunglasses on my face "lets go home" he sighed as the pair of us walked unfazed through the town being followed by the men. Once we took our place back in the blacked out car Tristan let out a heavy sigh "sometimes I wish we could have a day out without men with a camera following us" he mumbled before taking my hand in his own and placing a lingering peck on my lips.