⌞ always the angel, never a god ⌝

*⌞ chapter thirty-eight : run together ⌝*

(mentions of alcohol abuse, panic attacks, eating issues) 

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"We'll come visit soon, I promise."

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I woke, the sun coming in through the curtains I had forgotten to close the night before. I groaned, throwing the covers over my eyes. My head hurt. I couldn't tell if it was from the crying and screaming or the bottle of scotch I had someone talked myself into last night. 

I had been alone for almost three weeks now. The first few days had been fine. I knew that it was going to be hard to live here, with everything being a reminder of him so I avoided everything. I had been ordering takeout with all the money to my name, now. I stayed in my room, using the bathroom connected to it. I only left when I needed to grab my food. And that worked for a bit. 

But then it started. Mako started to come over. I had wondered how long it would take. He had found out that I was back in town from someone, probably Charlie, and was now trying to see me. I didn't have the energy to. Hell, I barely had the energy to get out of bed for the food I forced myself to eat. 

After a while, he stopped trying and I was thankful for but at the same time, I wondered if I needed to talk to him. To talk to anyone. I had avoided the calls from the grid, only answering messages. I used the excuse that I missed it, but I often watched it ring. I just didn't have the energy for anything. 

It started to ring again. I looked down to see it was a call from Seb. I watched it, debating if I wanted to pick it up. I knew I would have to at some point but I just couldn't find the energy too. Talking felt so stupid and so did everything else. I guess I was at that part in my grief and I knew that Jules wouldn't want it to be like this. But I could barely leave my room without breaking down because everything reminded me of him. 

It stopped ringing and I rolled back over. Time for another day in bed. 

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Three o'clock rolled around and I sighed. My body was in pain from lack of food which meant it was time to get some sort of food. I grabbed my phone, ignoring the messages from everyone, and pulled up the place across town. It had been the only food I was able to keep down since that first night. It was cheap and not that great, but I was able to not throw it up within three hours. I took the wins I could get. 

After I set the order, I forced myself out of bed. I needed to shower. It had been days and I was starting to get annoyed by the feeling of the grime and dried tears. There was only so much I could handle. It was a battle between the need to be clean and the grief. And at this moment, the need to be clean won. 

I stripped out of the clothes I had been in for the past week, throwing them into the corner. I would put them in the laundry when I had the energy but that wasn't right now. I grabbed a towel from the rack and turned on the water. I threw another towel over the mirror, not wanting to look at myself. I had avoided that too, looking at myself. It was going to have one of two reactions; one) I see all the parts of Jules in my face or two) I see how awful I've gotten and then start to cry over that. 

I knew what I was doing wasn't good. I knew that I needed to eat more than when my body reminded me with hunger pains. I knew that I needed to respond to the grid, take their calls, accept their help. I knew I needed to talk to Mako at some point. I knew I needed to leave my room for more than just the dash to the door and back. I knew all of this, but I just... couldn't. I felt like I was living in a fog. 

I pushed those thoughts away as I stepped under the hot water. The tension left my shoulders as I stood there, watching the steam roll through the bathroom. I watched the water in the drain as if I could see the grime coming off of me. Or maybe because it was enough to keep my focus. The hot water started to make me dizzy and that's when I started to rush through everything I needed to do.