As we drive, I sigh, "You know, I'm one of the prettiest girls I know. And, it's so sad, but I feel like nobody has appreciated that since we've been on the run. I have not broken a single law, ever. I am a good person. See, you two women should know what it is like to be pretty. You're pretty women, which means you were pretty young girls."
The two old women smile at me, and I turn to the hench person of no immediate gender. I say, "And you! You have a fashion style. It's not like you've been able to show it, but look at you. You look good in a skirt, and trousers. Not many people can pull that off. And you, even with hook hands, you are an optimistic person. Many people would have given up, but you are a good person. And you... have a tattoo of my mum's name on your knuckles..."
Mum and Olaf practically throw themselves into the car, shoving the person of undetermined gender into the back seats. Nobody can ask questions, because Olaf loses. His. Mind. I've heard people swear, believe me. I've listened to mum after she breaks her nails just before photos. But Olaf? It was a learning experience. Here are just a few things I learnt.
1) Olaf has got the emotional regulation of a toddler.
2) Olaf's tantrums can be solved with a slice of cake, preferably chocolate but vanilla works too.
3) I learnt some words... Quite a few of them actually, and some of them were definitely not good.
4) We have no orphans, not even one.
5) Olaf would sacrifice me for an orphan, even the one who writes all the time, or Klaus, the know it all.
6) Mum will gouge Olaf's eyes out if he says that one more time, and I honestly don't think she is kidding.
"I HAVE DONE SO MUCH FOR THOSE CHILDREN," Olaf roars, "I AM LIKE A GOD. BRAVE, STRONG, HANDSOME. ORPHANS ARE THE BRATTIEST CHILDREN TO EXISTS. I'VE DONE NOTHING BUT BE A HANDSOME PERSON, AND LOOK WHERE THAT'S GOTTEN ME. DRIVING IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE."
I look between him and mum, who sighs, "Darling, I know it's hard, but we have an incredible opportunity to find the sugar bowl now! With no nasty orphans, we've got time to kill."
"We were supposed to kill two of the orphans," Olaf snaps. He climbs over, his foot still on the accelerator and we swap seats. I scream, as he explains, "That makes you go quicker. That is the brake. That, the blinker thingy, shows people what direction you are going in. It doesn't actually matter, and it is there for decoration."
I roll my eyes, once I've calmed down, anyway. Mum rests her head on Olaf's chest and I sigh. The road is long, and dusty, and I don't like driving. Miserably, I pull up on the side of the road, and after a bit of an argument, Olaf decides to drive again. Once back on the road, he says, "I'm a dead man! I, Count Olaf, am a dead man."
"You clearly aren't," I roll my eyes again as mum puts her arm over me, pulling me into a hug. Olaf hisses, "As far as people are aware, yes, I am."
I cross my arms over my chest, and sigh. Olaf's driving is putting absolutely everyone at risk, especially considering he is swerving left and right. He pulls up and I smile, asking, "I'll take a packet of crisps."
Olaf slams the door, and walks into a little shop. Last chance to get anything for miles, I imagine. Mum is talking to everyone, and I ignore her. Slowly, I look out the window, and raise my eyebrows. Violet, Klaus and Sunny. They are getting into a van labelled VFD, which could mean almost anything. I jump as Olaf gets back in the car. He slams the door again, and snaps, "Heimlich Hospital."
"That's where the sugar bowl is!" Mum gasps, "The school librarian told me!"
"Exactly, my love. Those Baudelaire brats are obviously after it," Olaf cracks his knuckles, and I ask, "Did you see them get in that van too?"
Olaf nods. The hench person of no obvious gender (making up names is fun) asks, "So what does that mean? Are we going to have to look for both-"
"We're going to have to look for both!" Olaf groans. Mum snaps, "Darling, you make me worried sometimes. You're on the Lam."
"On the contrary," I look down at the newspaper he grabbed, "He really is dead. Olaf, murdered, and the Baudelaires, murderers. What are we going to do about me then? Mum can be disguised fairly well, but how are you going to excuse a literal child walking round?"
Olaf sets off again, and smiles, saying, "I am a free man."
"We're dating," Mum scoffs, "And maybe Xalia May can be a child prodigy! She's a really smart little girl."
I glare over at Olaf and snap, "I'm smarter than some grown men. Olaf? That visor is really, really ugly."
"She doesn't know what she is talking about," Olaf scoffs. I smirk, "Oh, dear, sweet Olaf. I do. I'm not stupid. Do we have to go to the hospital?"
"Yeah, it's two minutes away," Olaf glares at me and I scream, "THE ROAD! LOOK AT THE ROAD!"
He turns away, facing the road again and I groan. I look at the hospital in the distance and sigh as mum gasps, "Will I get to dress everyone? Xalia May and I can match, like always, unless you would rather do something else?"
"Can I have shorts?" I ask. Mum nods, and says, "There are only... really short shorts. And I don't know whether you'd want that."
"I'll have them," I shrug, "What does VFD stand for?"
Mum and Olaf exchange glances, and Mum explains, "Well... Olaf?"
"VFD is basically... Esme?" Olaf smiles uncomfortably.
"VFD in this case... Anyone?"
"Volunteers fighting disease," The hench person of no immediate gender sighs, "It was on the van she was looking at. It's not what you're thinking of, Boss."
"What are you thinking of?" I ask.
"WE'RE HERE."
YOU ARE READING
Xalia Squalor; because sometimes being in is not enough
FanfictionXalia Squalor is exactly who she wants to be. She's pretty, she's rich, and she is famous. But there is one small thing. She doesn't have a full tea set. Or at least, her mum doesn't and it's ruining her life. Meeting the Baudelaire orphans is both...
