Old Acquaintances

Today

"What now?" I mutter to Tucker when we wake up.

I'm facing him, his right arm wrapped around my body. His eyes drift open, his mouth closes. I drag my fingertips delicately along his face and he massages my side with smooth, careful swipes of his palm.

With a full, tired voice, he croons, "Well...we could do it again."

I sigh. "Okay. And then what?"

"I'll probably brush my teeth."

"Okay and then what?"

He smiles and kisses me with a closed mouth. After a moment of deep focus, he cradles my jaw and kisses me again. He says, "You know what sixteen-year-old me and eighteen-year-old me and twenty-two-year-old me wanted more than anything? To kiss you whenever I wanted."

"And what does thirty-year-old you want?" I ask when he moves his lips to my neck.

He snaps upright. "Oh fuck, are we thirty?"

"In..." I reach for my phone. "Fourteen hours."

"Well, that snuck up on me." Tucker runs his hands down my breast and caresses my stomach and runs his nose along my collarbone. He whispers. "Happy almost birthday."

Laying flat, I grapple for his neck and pull him tight against me.

"Ell?" His hands slide between my back and the mattress.

"We could stay here forever," I mutter. "Squatters rights."

"I think Airbnb would disagree."

He sits up and pulls me with him. I slide my legs over his, settling into his lap. He frees my face of hair and tucks strands behind my ears, and I relax, eyes closed, wishing I could always feel the gentle movement of his hands. I wonder if this is normal for him, if he treats every woman he sleeps with in this way. Does he worship their bodies and mutter, "Good God," to himself? Do these unnamed, faceless women get to press their hearts against his and be held with no need to move or shift but stay completely in bliss just feeling their rhythms join together?

"Eli," I whisper.

"Hm?" He rubs his closed mouth against my neck.

"Do you love me?"

Tucker stops. He holds my back in his arms and lifts his head. With serious eyes, he says, "You said I didn't have to." He must feel the pound in my chest. "You said we could just pretend."

My throat swells. Tears are coming, I wish I could stop it, but I nod fervently, trying to agree, "I know." It doesn't come out so clearly.

"Ella, please. Please," Tucker begs. Our foreheads connect. "I wish I could explain. I wish I could make you understand." He wipes away my tears and my face relaxes into his palms. "You weren't breathing."

"But I'm breathing now," I whisper.

"No one knew if you were going to wake up. I don't know how I could have gone on if something happened to you. Nothing will ever compare to that pain and if I didn't love you as much as I did, then I might not have hurt so much."

"I'm fine," I sob.

"You were completely limp in my arms. I've never been so scared in my entire life."

"But you did everything right. You saved me."

"It was so close." Tucker kisses me. "Anything can happen. If I choose to love you, then something like that can happen again. I can't help loving my family, I didn't choose that. But I can stop loving you to protect myself from all of that pain."