Unbalanced

Chapter 6

!TW - Anxiety, OCD, Therapy!

*fast forward*
Charlies pov:
We are now sitting in the waiting room. I feel how the silence in the waiting room is unbearable and I'm shaking so much at the moment. The anxiety is eating me up from the inside. This environment around me makes me want to run away, this is a place I really fear, a place I don't want to have to be - not now, not later.

"Charlie?" Says a dark, male voice. My thoughts are immediately interrupted. I look up and see Geoff standing and waiting for us some distance away. Nick takes a hold of my hand and together we are led through a corridor. I get a feeling of an infinity, the corridor never ends. With each step I take, my discomfort increases, but I force myself to continue. When we finally arrive at Geoff's office, I close the door behind me, but I immediately feel the urge to close it once more. I try to forget the thought and go and sit next to Nick on the leather couch. But the feeling quickly becomes unbearable. With a jerk I stand up again and go back to the door, opening it again and then closing it.
"Take your time, Charlie" says Geoff in a calm voice. I stand there, with my hand on the doorknob, while a storm rages inside me. My heart is racing and I feel the need to stay still for a while longer.

After a few seconds I take a deep breath, before returning to the couch and sitting next to Nick again.
"Okay Charlie, can you tell me a little bit about how you've been feeling the last few days?" Geoff asks, looking into my eyes. He has big friendly eyes, but even so I feel watched. I kinda feel so forced. I try to find words but nothing comes out, no matter how much I want and trying to - I just can't speak. This often happens when I get too full of anxiety - and it usually happens in hospitals or with psychologists of various kinds. I look at Nick and meet his eyes, and I see that he quickly understands what is happening.
"Are you non-verbel?" He whispers. Tears start to run down my cheeks as I nod in response to his question. He pulls me into a hug.
"It's okay" he whispers in my ear. But it doesn't feel that way. I feel so lost.

Nicks pov:
Since Charlie has gone non-verbal, probably from all the anxiety and stress, I'll take over. I meet Geoff's eyes and tell him everything - I tell him about the counting, folding clothes, self harming, not eating and the ocd attack that happened earlier this morning. As I speak, Geoff writes things down on a papper in his lap. His gaze goes up and down between me and the paper.

Geoff explains that he understands the situation we are in, and that it's perfectly normal to feel the way Charlie does. Previous times when we've visited Geoff, he's really emphasized my part in this whole journey - how I, as a boyfriend, have to dare to challenge Charlie and help him by not doing what hes brain tells him to do. But this time Geoff wants to push his points on something else.
"Nick, you're doing an amazing job helping Charlie in different ways, so keep doing that" he says, looking at me. I smile and give him a nod back. However, his expression changes quickly from kind to serious, and he now turns to face Charlie instead.
"No need to say anything Charlie, but just listen to me. It's time you start challenging yourself and those voices in your head your head."

Charlies pov:
When I hear those words leave Geoff's mouth, I don't know what to do. How can I challenge myself? How do I fix all this without Nick? However, the thoughts are quickly interrupted when Geoff continues to explain what he means.
"It might not feel like it, but it sounds like you've let Nick in a lot more now than before. You let him help you, which is good. But now you have to start helping yourself too".

Geoff writes something down on his paper before handing it to me. I look at the paper and see five different points with sentences. I wipe the tears away from my eyes to see what it says:

• OCD, I see what game you are trying to play, and I'm not interested.

• I already know you want me to worry about X, but I'm putting that off for later.

• I know your goal is to make me spiral, but I recognize this as an obsession and not reality.

• No matter what you say, I can survive these anxious thoughts.

• Yeah, maybe X will happen like you say, or maybe it won't, but I can tolerate that uncertainty.

"These are some sentences that you can repeatedly say to yourself in difficult situations. It's hard to believe at first, but by doing it every day, and saying it out loud to yourself, you'll eventually realize that its only you who can influence these thoughts you have" Geoff explains. I look at him and see his smile, and i smile an unsure smile back. Although Geoff has been my psychologist for a really short time, he can really read me like an open book. He understands, he wants to help me and he is just so kind. But some things he tells me just feel impossible to do.

I fold the note I have in my hands and put it in my back pocket, before Nick takes my hand and we leave Geoff's office.