Navigating Life With Grace

Running out of time

The first half of the year is always the hardest for me. I come up with these resolutions I know I'll forget by the second week. I set up these goals for my year even though I know I won't have the energy for most of them. I don't do it because I like it, it just makes me feel like I have some sense of control over my life.

January hits harder than the other months. I spend it stuck in some sort of limbo, one could say my presence is the same as my absence.

The days swing by and I watch them like one would watch a football game, with zero control over them. The depression clouds over me, consuming my entire being, leaving me completely numb and indifferent.

And on the days it consumes me less, I smile a little and it becomes easier to breathe. Those are the days I meet people, because it's easier to pretend I'm okay.

By the time February swoops in, I realise too late how much time I've lost. And there's this sadness that comes with knowing that I could've done so much more in those 31 days.

I spend most of the next few months trying to catch up on life, my deadlines and friends. For a while it works, life finally seems to be on my side. I laugh more and become more "outgoing". And then the bubble bursts.

Time seems to collapse when it happens. I've always hated that about depression.

It becomes harder to take care of myself and the little energy I have, I use for school. These are the times I leave my bible discarded in the corner. I don't even write or sing. I become an empty vessel and I feel so worthless all the time.

It gets worse when I see people living their lives. I think, that could be me if I was just less sad.

Eventually, I reach my breaking point. I start cutting myself in search of a feeling, any kind really. Be it pain or anger, even shame.