The 12 Steps

Step 3

Step 3: Faith - Turn our will and lives over to God's care as we understand Him.

Song: Holy Ground by Banners

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L I N C O L N

It's been a week. It was a very long week. It was still hard getting used to calling my parents, 'mom and dad'. I had to resist the urge to call them anything else, but it wasn't easy.

Things have been pretty normal around here. Almost like they were trying really hard to make it feel like that and whenever anything came up about my recovery or routine, it would get quiet and awkward. So, yeah. For the most part, it was normal.

But there were things I couldn't do like going out alone, being home alone, closing my door—that was a constant issue since I didn't even have a lock to begin with. I just wanted my damn privacy.

I had to remember what Zach told me about having to give up some things for a while, like privacy and freedom until I could prove that I deserved it. But I didn't want to prove anything to them. Why do I have to prove myself to people who abandoned me?

Zach made me promise to at least try. It was hard. Having to pretend like I was completely fine with what they expected from me. I even had to resist arguing with my father about seeing Zach this week. He said that he wanted the family to reconnect, just the four of us. I thought that was a load of bull. Something about it made me feel like he wasn't telling me the whole truth.

What he considered 'family bonding time' was family dinners filled with silence and awkward efforts from my mother who tried to make dinnertime as normal as possible. She would ask questions like 'How was school?', 'Did you make any friends?', 'Do you have any classes with Liam?' She tried very hard to be my mom and that made me feel awkward. I could tell it made her sad when I would move away from her touch. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. My intention wasn't to make her sad but I didn't know what she expected from me. She was trying to take things slow while moving fast in a desperate need to connect with me and I couldn't give her what she wanted. That made her even more sad.

I could tell she was trying to not bring up the past or my time in rehab, all of them avoided the topic. They still haven't asked me anything about rehab. I don't know if they saw it as them doing me a favor or if they were just uncomfortable about it. If that was the case, it wasn't helpful, it only made me feel suppressed.

It was different. Everything was different in every sense of the word. They were different. The house was different, the neighborhood was different, and life was just different. I tried to focus on what I still had, which was the nutritious meal times Zach and I planned out to heal my body. It also helped me create healthy habits. It wasn't working though, it was slowly driving me insane.

I need Zach.

I walked into the kitchen. I figured my mother would be cooking or something, but the clock on the oven told me it was already past noon. My mother is a certified nurse aide and caregiver. I forgot that every Saturday, she would visit patients at their homes. Liam also had plans today but never told me anything directly and I never asked. My father was off work today—just my luck. I was going to ask about seeing Zach.

In all honesty, I just wanted to get away from everyone. I needed something familiar to balance this feeling that was weighing on me. I gripped the cross around my neck, the sharp edges pierced my skin but I didn't feel it. I've been trying to ignore the craving that's been building up. It was eating at me.

I can't do this anymore.

I need to make this feeling go away.

I need to give in.