Blood on the Altar (HuaLian TGCF)

Chapter 15

Xie Lian is quiet as they step back into the halls of Paradise manor and walk in silence toward their shared bedroom, too lost in his thoughts to speak yet. The meeting with his former friends was ...Well it was far from easy on him but it did help to put some things into perspective, help him understand some things that have been eluding him till now.

When they reach the bedroom Hua Cheng holds open the door for him but hesitates on the threshold, clearly waiting for a sign to tell him whether Xie Lian wants comfort and company or whether he would prefer to be alone.

Xie Lian, his mind abuzz with his new thoughts, hesitates for only a moment before he takes a quick breath and gestures toward their shared bed.

"San Lang, would you come sit with me?"

Giving him a smile, Hua Cheng nods and moves to sit beside Xie Lian.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Xie Lian considers, eyes going to his hands resting in his lap. Suddenly it's hard to look at Hua Cheng.

"Sort of. There are some secrets between us and I want to talk about them."

Instantly Hua Cheng tences. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about myself earlier."

Xie Lian looks up at that and gives the ghost king a small reassuring smile. "Did you think I wouldn't approve?"

"Perhaps. Considering how we met..."

Xie Lian's smile softens. "I don't mind. You found your way back to me, that's all that matters."

Hua Cheng's eye widens, his lips going slack. He looks momentarily stunned by Xie Lian's words and it's such an adorable expression that for a moment, despite everything he's feeling, Xie Lian can barely hold back laughter. Seeing the change in the god's face, Hua Cheng's lips close into a pout.

"Gege is teasing me."

"I'm not, I'm not, I promise. Besides..." Xie Lian looks away again, the laughter fading from his voice. "It's not your secrets I want to talk about. It's mine."

"Your secrets?" Hua Cheng's tone turns reassuring, the tone of someone who doesn't believe that anything he's about to hear will have any real impact on him.

'You're wrong, San Lang, you're so wrong.'

Xie Lian nods. "The truth is, there's something I've been keeping from you too."

"I'm always happy to listen to anything Gege wants to tell me." Again that light, reassuring tone, that certainty that there's nothing Xie Lian can say that will change things between them and for a moment Xie Lian hesitates.

Does /he/ want things to change?

What if he was wrong?

What if he's misunderstood things all this time and he's about to ruin the balance between them?

"Gege?" The ghost king's voice is gentler now. He reaches out, taking one of Xie Lian's hands and squeezing it lightly. "You can tell me anything."

Xie Lian gulps, acutely aware of Hua Cheng's hand on his just as he's been acutely aware of every touch between them for the last couple of weeks, the feel of Hua Cheng's arms around him at night, Hua Cheng's chest against his back, and yes, sometimes, in the mornings ...something else as well.

Xie Lian's cheeks color slightly at the thought but the touch brings back another memory as well, the memory of Hua Cheng's arm around his waist, sheltering and reassuring him as he faced his old friends.

He remembers the respect, and yes, awe in Feng Xin's eyes when he saw Xie Lian looking so much like the prince he once followed.

He remembers the disgust in Mu Qing's voice as he looked at who Xie Lian is now and asked, 'Is this really what you've become!?'

He's not sure which one stung more.

Yet, that whole time, there had been that stabilizing presence at his side, the presence of one who has seen him in all his glory as the god pleasing crown prince, and who has seen the very worst moments of what he's become. He's seen Xie Lian covered in mud and blood, he's seen him torn apart and half dead and he's seen him raging and dressed in a cry smiling mask, and still he's stayed.

Always he's stayed.

Xie Lian takes a shuddering breath and then at last he begins to speak.

"San Lang, if I tell you this, you must promise me something."

"Anything." It's another one of those grand sweeping statements that the ghost king is too found of when it comes to Xie Lian and the god feels his heart flutter at the sound of it.

"You have to promise me not to do anything to Yin Yu."

"Yin Yu?" For the first time Xie Lian hears a frown in the ghost king's voice. "Did he do something to make you uncomfortable?"

The sudden threat in Hua Cheng's voice is so obvious that it draws a small smile to the god's lips even as he shakes his head quickly.

"No, nothing like that, but promise me?"

"I promise." There's a new tension in Hua Cheng's voice and Xie Lian want's to sooth him but he's not sure what to say so he just keeps going. That's hard enough.

"The truth is, the day I met Yin Yu I asked him some questions about ghost customs. I lied to him about why but in the end I got him to tell me..." Xie Lian takes a shaky breath. "I got him to tell me under what tradition a ghost gives away their ashes."

Beside him Hua Cheng freezes, going as silent and still as only one with no breath or heartbeat can go. When Xie Lian dares to look up at him Hua Cheng is staring straight ahead, lips pressed firmly together, face gone impossibly pale.

"San Lang?" He asks quietly.

There's a long pause and then "So you've known all this time." When he speaks at last Hua Cheng's voice is impossibly hoarse.

It's a statement not a question but Xie Lian nods anyway, his heart pounding wildly in his chest.

"I'm sorry for keeping it from you."

"I'm sorry if it made your highness uncomfortable." Again Hua Cheng's voice is too hoarse, too raw, and he still isn't looking at Xie Lian.

"It didn't." Xie Lian says it quickly. "I was confused at first, before I knew who you were, and after... I didn't know what to say. No one's truly cared for me for so long that I wasn't sure if I remembered how to feel, well, anything let alone... And I was sure that I would never live up to your expectation and that once you realized that you'd be finished with me and I didn't think I'd be able to bear that."

Now Hua Cheng does look at him, eye wide and lit with something that looks painfully like hope. "Your highness, I would never leave you." Hua Cheng's voice is quiet and rough and filled with such certainty that it brings tears to Xie Lian's eyes.

"I know that now ...or I think I do? I'm trying..." Xie Lian gulps. "What I mean is I know maybe you will leave me one day, or maybe you'll realize that the reality of me doesn't live up to your expectation and if you want to end things then... Then that's fine. I won't resent you for it or anything, I promise." Xie Lian takes a shuddering breath and forces himself to look up at Hua Cheng as he whispers the final words.

"But until then, if you really do still want me ...Then I'm yours."