Before You Loved Me

03

''I think I'll be done around 5'' Muhsina relates, shouldering her rucksack onto her back before slipping out of the vehicle

My eyebrows knit together at her proclamation

She is only telling me about what time she will be done because she wants me to fetch her

I am not supposed to come and get her today

''What about Mus'ab?'' I ask, referring to her usual ride, my eyes darting up quickly to meet hers as I maneuver the gearshift into neutral and pull up the cars handbrake

Mus'ab who also happens to be Muhsina's boyfriend since high school, - yes technically having boyfriends in Islam is not allowed, but Muhsina and Mus'ab plan to get married as soon after they graduate which is why my parents tolerate their relationship.

There is also a sort of unspoken agreement wherein wherever we are in the company of others we refer to Mus'ab as Muhsina's friend

''He has tuition'' she informs nonchalantly as if the details of his whereabouts is unimportant

There goes stopping at home before heading back to the cafe

I huff out a breath to illustrate my annoyance at this but do not say anything else on the matter as Muhsina gives me a quick wave before closing the door behind her. I wait there and watch her walk towards the entrance, only putting the car into 1st gear once l I see her figure disappear around the corner of the big red face brick building

I consider shooting Musa'b a message, but decide against it as I decide it will not hurt my schedule too much to swing around and fetch Muhsina

Back when I was in high school I used to despise Mus'ab not because there was anything wrong with him, it was specifically how there was nothing wrong with him which upset me

Because he was sweet, and smart and handsome, and Muhsina was not even looking for a relationship, let alone a serious one that would last this long

Even though Muhsina was my sister it did not make me naturally obligated to be happy for her, yes I loved her just as much as I assumed any sibling would, but I also despised everything that she had that I didn't

I would never say this aloud, but I knew in my heart that it was true

Call it the curse of being the oldest child, where you feel as if it is your right to experience and have everything before your younger sibling does just because before they were born you did

Maybe this is specifically why I have not had a friend interested enough in me to want to stick around and introduce himself to my entire family, - the scary members included

Because Muhsina was a better person than I was, a better Muslim

Maybe Musa'b was her reward from Allah for being so perfect

Many of times I have tried to use my jealousy to fuel my desire to want to do better to be better, - but my attempts at achieving this specific kind of perfection seemed to be futile up till now. And even if I do manage to do better and make better choices, this lasts for not very long, - about a week maximum.

I would be a bit more consistent with my daily prayers for a day or two before I revert to my old ways of simply not making them at all, rather only when it's convenient to me

It's not easy to be good

I used to wonder how it was so easy for people to be good, to just do good, to want to good, like it just came naturally to them

Whatever the opposite of something coming naturally for someone was, that was what it was like for me

Like how do people just make the right decisions all the time and they are not even slightly compelled to want to do the wrong thing?