The deep: I know you're not okay

It's okay

AN: I first want to apoligize for how long it took to get this out, I literally can't remember the last time I posted a chapter but I'm pretty sure it was october. To all my readers who have come this far, I'm so sorry it takes so long to get chapters out and thanks for reading! This chapter might be kind of all over the place, and the ending isn't that well written as I was mostly numb well writing this chapter. You've been warned, but nevertheless I hope you enjoy! And please comment any tips you may have to improve my writing.

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Madeline's Pov

When Finn called our stop and Ant grabbed my hand, I didn't even think to flinch away. I know that some part of me is going to get after me for it later, but at that moment I trusted him. When he grabbed my hand it felt like he might... actually... care. Like it wasn't just him trying to nice.

"You okay?" I almost laugh at the question as he says it. Such a simple question to ask, but one that I always have to fight myself on how to answer. I could say no, tell them the him truth. Hope that he doesn't laugh at me for it. That's all Hammerhead ever did. Even when I still trusted him. Or I could say yes. Play the game of pretend again like it isn't real life. So I squeeze his hand once. But the part of me that wants to trust him overwhelms me as I squeeze his hand again. I look away as I feel a slight heat on my face.

"That was a really stupid question to ask." I squeeze his hand automatically, almost like a reflex. A small chuckle escapes him and I fight back the smile that tries to tug it's way to my lips. "Guess you agree."

"Guess I do." A slight suprise seems to show on his face for a second, and a shaky breath comes out as I realise that I said that out loud, even though it wasn't more than whisper. After that it's like my walls break down, because before I can stop it I feel the tear burn my skin with shame as it rolls down my cheek. At the fact that I'm crying in public, and I... I can't even stop it, and I'm out on display for everyone to see.

And he knows.

There's no denying the fact. It's clear for everyone to see. In the midst of it all part of me tries to hold my breath as if it will ward off the sob that's rising in the back of my throat. But it seems to just push it out faster. I then notice how Ant's grip tightened around my hand, so I do the same. I feel my body start to shake, and I know that I'm probably hurting Ant by the way my nails are pushing into his skin.

The tears fall faster and I try to blink them from my eyes but it doesn't work. Nothing works. But then his arms wrap around me and pull me close and for a second I'm suprised and try to not shake so much, but that lasts for about a second as I realize that's not going to work. So I sit as still other than the shaking and stay there for what feels like hours, but a glance at the clock proves that it's actually just been a few minutes.

I hesitantly pull away, carefully avoiding looking him in the eye unsure of what he'll say. I rub at my eyes and wipe the wetness from my cheeks, but the burning feeling of shame and embarassment stays.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... let's just... move on. Okay? Fontaine's plans, remember? No need to hold them up any longer!" I see the look on his face as I risk a look in the eye and realize how I emphasized the last bit a too much. I divert my gaze by glancing around to see where Fontaine and Finn are, suprise registering as I realize they actually hadn't come up to us yet.

The moment I see them I get up to walk toward them. I don't look back but I can tell when Ant gets up and follows me. It's a distinct feeling that I've developed over time that's more like a sixth sense then a feeling now. You don't know what it is exactly but something is off, and then you can feel eyes boaring into your back, and in a quiet place you can sometimes hear the footsteps trailing behind you. But you know it like it's an old friend after a while. Someone that tricks you and laughs in your face when you fall for it, but you still trust them because you know that one day you might need them. That one thing that you know will stay with you when others don't.