Walpurgis Hallow

1986: A Very Walpurgis Christmas

Dear Diary,

Popularity is a curse.

I know.

Because my cheerleading class has roped me into participating in a play based on the world's worst He-Man knockoff.

Guardians of Walpurgis.

It's supposed to be this local show, but it's live action and it sucks. It's public access campy crap, but the worst part?

It's doing a Christmas special. Live. On stage. And I have to play Abracad-Andrea, Princess of Walpurgis.

I mean, of all the stupid, stupid things...

I have to wear a neon pink miniskirt and a puffy white shirt and wear a tiara. And I have to share a stage with some musclebound meathead playing Bro-Lord, the hero. Bro-Lord.

Who the fuck writes this crap?

And of course, there's the villain. Skull-Mask. He's a "Cosmic Barbarian" which mostly means he looks like a male stripper crossed with a lich.

Don't look at me funny just 'cause I played D&D with Alice once.

Speaking of Alice, she's in the show too. They didn't want to pay the real actors for this, so they hired her to play Skull-Mask's wife/girlfriend/assistant/side girl/who even knows, War-Lock. War-Lock wears this overdone corset with skulls on it and wears her hair in a big spiky headdress that looks uncomfortable as hell. At least it's not really a changeup for Alice, if what Eddie's said about her nightwear is true.

Eddie's working on the music. He can apparently play the entire show score on guitar, which is either really impressive, really embarrassing, or both.

--

"Okay, people, let's try the scene again. Cindy, can you try a bit more emotion here? I know we're staging kid's stuff, but I'm sure you'd want to entertain them."

Cindy winced. The director wasn't exactly wrong, but she wished she didn't have to entertain children dressed like a renaissance fair bar wench crossed with Jem. She only wished she could get into it more, but as she moved back into position for the start of the scene, getting a rather lascivious look from Bro-Lord, who was supposed to be her brother in this ridiculous farce.

At least she wasn't alone in the whole "frustrated with the role" thing. Skull-Mask was bitterly lamenting, in the same nasal tone he used to utter death threats, the state of his acting career.

"I was doing Hamlet and Lear, for crying out loud, and now I'm stuck in a gimp suit with a ridiculous helmet! I mean, how am I supposed to see out of it? The things I do for a livable paycheck!"

They went through the scene again. In the "Forest of Evergreen", made of the finest cardboard money could buy, Skull-Mask declared his evil plan. Abracad-Andrea was supposed to be horrified, and Bro-Lord was to valiant declare his intent to protect the Tree of the Light of Walpurgis. At least, that was supposed to be what happened.

"Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha! Soon, the Christmas Light will be forever extinguished! Then, Santa will pay for not bringing the Cosmic Legion any presents!"

Bro-Lord swaggered in.

"Not so fast, Skull-Mask! I, Bro-Lord, will vanq...vanq...vanquish you and your dark minions!"

Eddie played a guitar riff.

The director sighed.

"Chuck, if you can't read the word 'vanquish', how are we ever going to get this ready for Christmas? This IS for charity, after all."